This is to my first love.
"Don't drop the ball he warned." His closed off face revealed cold that needed warm, and he reached with open hands for the task she couldn't hold. She wanted to let him feel trust, and felt the opportunity ripped from her palms. Caste away to join the cold, she shrunk under rejection. He spit words of unworthiness. Her shaky hands couldn't be given the chance to fail.
So she put her hands in her pocket. She didn't deserve the risk to break something that wasn't hers. She walked down streets with assurance she could always hold her shadow and never risk hurting anyone. It didn't need her, and they could live side by side without ever tiring. When she was responsible, there were no blame games to play. But her shadow was cold and empty. It never challenged her or made her laugh. It never leaned to support her efforts halfway. She merely held both sides of a relationship and played glue. There was no falling if she played both parts.
She whispered teary words of promise. She would never hurt a soul if she completed herself. Alone but secure, it was simpler. She would never have to pay for broken pieces.
And then a new spark came up from under her secure base, and showed her how to take the tension from her straining walls that were slowly crumbling in neglection. He held her bristling wall as she softened the other. He slowly added his own touches, and soon became a new wall to rely on. She felt safe as he took away the tention, and in return she showed him what warm sensations felt like. She welcomed him into her being, and his ice melted. From deep within the new cave of emotions, revealed from trust a ball of his own. Small and red, and full of tender delicacy.
He held it out to her, eyes full of love. She shrank. Her hands began to tremble. She couldn't hold something so precious. It was one thing to hold her own, deep within the safe depths of her walls. But his was unprotected. If she dropped it, she would shatter something she loved more than her own, and crush this something so precious.
She looked to her own orbe, easing out from her depths, and darting around his eyes and warm body, so hopeful and loving. It wanted so desperately to find a home. She wanted to feel soft red tendrils drip into her wanting hards and find reassurence. But if she dropped it there could be no repairs. She had never held something so meaningful. She had never been trusted and now the stakes were so high.
His hands were still outstretched. Her ball fluttered on his shoulder, and slowly rolled down his arms. She pulled him close, moving energies to urge her ball into his. They watched transfixed as their orbes intermingled. There became two in the palm of one, and he held it.
She felt cut out now: as if she had failed from the inside. She had given him her heart, and she couldn't take hold of his in return. There was imbalance, as her walls became cold and heartless, and his became heavy, weighed down by delicate restrictions.
Clear salty drops fell from eyes, as she pulled away. There was a loss of heat, as she felt she was pulled from the flames kindling her very heat.
Her magnet called hers to fly from his palm and return to her dusty cavern. His eyes filled with betrayal, as small glass cracked up the side of his delicate orbe. A piece of her own shattered, and remained in glittery pieces within his, too intermingled to ever pull apart.
She watched distance grow between them. Steps taken further away to blind pain, but one doesn't see, but feel the other's pain as more cracks web through glass.
Distraction dulls the senses. She buried her fears, and ran to find new palms. For the first time, she held a small ball. It was smokey and light, and she cuddled it into the empty craddle she had carved for the last. But it wasn't right. She returned globe, cool with grey and transparent with experience. Her shinny eyes filled with confidence as it was heartfully rolled back to its rightful owner undamaged.
She trecked back to the own who built her walls. She watched in utter ache as he pulled the key from his breast, and began to unlock what was once solely hers for another someone. She ran to close the distance between herself and him. Desperation to keep what was meant to be hers flowed deep within her viens. But she could never force his hand. She was held in agrivation, as he paused. He sensed her presence, and he withheld from her deepest fear. Slowly, he turned from the nearer force taunting him, to the closer connection he felt throbbing alive between herself and him.
She screamed to him her discovery. She was worthy. She had calmed her fears and found her inner steady. She had held a ball too light to ever drop and returned it without a scratch. She had proved to herself she was trustworthy.
Betrayal and pain and love flashed within his eyes. He saw she wasn't solely his anymore. And yet he listened. As she spoke, he saw the absence of this other's most prized carved among her where it mattered. Instead he saw heart rips from his own flesh, and his orbe melted from his guarded chest to meet her bruised and unused one. Without thinking, she pulled her hand from her pocket to meet his, and the quaking stopped as his hand clasped hers, and held the merging globes steady together.
She didn't doubt her ability to hold theirs together. She felt assured as loving answers transfered between palms, and all she wanted was to pull closer. She felt overwhelmed with love, and looked down to see the distance rightfully closed.
As the core of their essence became one, she had the fleeting thought neither would work if they were torn apart, and she felt the urge to disconnect at the last instant before she was locked into paralyzed. As his mind read hers, he looked as her the way he always had, and he gave her hand a squeeze to remind her he was there. He would never stay from the warmth that found him. She threw every last crumb of her essence into their clasped hands. She would never drop the orbe of the boy who had trusted her with it, because she knew he woud never drop hers. And she would never drop his. If she were to live, it was meant to be hand in hand with the one who came inside her walls, and pulled her from the very ice she built around herself as shields. Life wasn't meant to live, if she walked away without the heart he would always hold.