Stumbling and tumbling on the bumpy silly stupid stones was getting somewhat tiring and due to the nature of the task bruising was an inevitable and irritating factor. The feeling of flopping up and down like an indecisive domino that had got stuck in some sort of time continuum was somewhat disconcerting on ones senses. So anyway the stones were piss annoying, probably coated in some sort of piss and really piss people off. Full of piss either way Donald had decided that the true lesson in this was actually not the stones, but the piss. Clearly he had missed the point, because Brother Gerald had set this ridiculous and unscrupulous task in servitude of his own amusement and otherwise; as a spiritual journey for pilgrims traveling the road. Donald had insisted that he was not a pilgrim, met with a stern look of disapproval, and sent along the bumpy road coated in piss anyway.

The stones were rounded, but in a way that they stuck out like needles from the floor, slanted at a 45 degree angle in order to cause discomfort and much tripping and slipping to those who traversed the pissy road. The road was blocked in by two very high walls on either side, from which piss quite frequently dropped in via the use of buckets. It was very reminiscent of a back alleyway, except that any cats that lingered here would have no chance of hope at scratching their way up these colossal walls.

So yes.. the stench was terrible, and Bernard knew it. Oh he knew it so well that he had developed a new and surprising agility and athletic skill. The bucket no longer served as a safe royal carriage and thus, Donald's head was now the method of transport, quickly shifting to his back every time the daft idiot would slip and fall. A level of aggression had swiftly arisen and it was sure that Brother Gerald would not be receiving a very nice greeting from said fluff at the end of this dark and treacherous road. Unawares to Donald, the hamster was actually concocting a master plan on a method of escape from the pissroad, even if it meant abandoning its master for a short while. The rank and horrible smell of dried and evaporating piss was not pleasant for the sensitive nose of the hamster, which I add; enjoyed its cleanliness. Why piss of all things!?

Donald stumbled and humbled in his own mind of the nature of the piss. 'So its a waste product that causes slipping and bruising! No surely it would not be that' and 'piss is very slippy!' were some thoughts that emerged. In fact the more he thought about it, and the more his forehead whacked into the floor, and the more the hamster stabbed its frightened claws into his back, the more he realised: this was just some sick twisted game. Nostrils filled with dried seaweed, he marched on, or stumbled on, toes blackened and bleeding, body bruised and sore. It was painful hard work, endless and eternal with struggle, but I guess he was stuck now.

Suddenly, the hamster twitched as if a thought had punched its small head. It sniffed the air as if decoding the floating thought in its own little way. That was it! The bucket! Bernard realised that he could use the bucket to traverse the now slanted road down and quickly escape this torture. It took less than half a second for the bucket to be nibbled free from Donald's hand and headbutted angrily in a forward motion. In no time at all the hamster skidded off gleefully down the ski-slope, its thick fur ruffling in the wind. Donald watched his ingenious little beast ski down away without him. Down, down, it went, further, until suddenly the stoned path met a sudden rise. All that could be seen for that short second were the flailing legs of a distraught hamster as it was flung from the bucket with force.
Donald stood and watched in utter amusement as all of this happened before his eyes. There was the look of utter content and crafty wit upon the hamsters face, it speeding down the slope at extreme speeds, tongue out, eyes scrunched and fur waving wildy. The mad flight through the air as the hamsters plan came to a more disappointing conclusion. And then several minutes later, the sounds of pain coming from yelling and shrieking men that had no doubt met a toothy end. That along with a black shadow darting overhead and an accompaniment of further outbursts of fear. Donald simply sighed to himself in an amused manner, now used to the resulting wrath of the hamster that those who insulted it incurred.
He was glad in a way that the hamster was gone, as that reduced the injury of nails in his head and back, but it was kind of shameful to be outsmarted by the small beast. No problem however, as the men had dropped buckets from the walls a little further down, Donald had to simply struggle a little further until he could reach them.

Easier said than done though to be honest, for he was up against a masterful opponent. Donald slumped against the wall, feeling the pain through his body and the exhaustion in his brain. It was tiring work being beaten to death by the floor. It was the one enemy that had learnt the true power of Tai chi, buddhism and Taoism, that was: turning an opponents energy against them and remaining still and in none thought. Such an opponent was undefeatable in such odds, achieving all the impossibles that such establishments spend lifetimes trying to achieve. But Donald had not given up just yet, for if nothing, Donald did have that ruthless enthusiasm to never admit defeat. A furious mix of dampened wild vibrant colours and bushy hair had awoken into the bruised purple demon that kept getting up, falling down, getting up, falling down and getting up.

A short while after that a pair of buckets had somewhat accidentally been attached to both feet and Donald was flying down the slope like an angry cloud on rollerblades. There was a look of ferocity in the flapping moustach and flop of hair wiggling in the wind, not to mention the look of red faced fear upon the mans face as stability swiftly turned into an assortment of beatings and slidings of bumpy stone against sore bottom. It was a sight to be seen, a sound to be heard and a smell not to be smelt at all in the slightest. But alas the painful journey was over in a swift ascent into the air followed by a swift descent through an old womans roof.
“Oh hello dear would you like a cup of tea” asked the old lady, as if people crashing through her roof was a normal everyday occurance, and that people that crashed through her roof were generally very friendly people.
“My yes that would be absolutely spiffing why thank you” Donald replied, also acting in a very natural and normal manner. The old lady pottered off and Donald stealthily crept away to what appeared to be a bathroom of sorts. The following was a major operation that included dousing oneself with as much water as possible in hope of removing as much of the stench as possible. Donald shortly returned to the chair completely dripping wet, and the lady returned, handing him his tea, as if it were perfectly normal to hand a dripping wet man that had just flown through the roof a cup of tea. I think I may have put my point across here. So anyway the hamster burst through the door ripping the hinges off the door only to curl up in a ball of trembling fluff at the sight of the lady.
“Oh!” she exclaimed “what a poor little beast, perhaps it wants something to eat” She pottered off into the kitchen and an eye from the hamster peeped open to scout the area. One could only wonder why the hamster was acting in such a way, presumably it feared anyone that acted kindly.

The pleasant situation of dripping wet clothes and a warm cup of tea was rudely interrupted by the entrance of Brother Gerald, whom it seemed had skillfully warded off most of the hamsters wrath.
“Ah yes hello thought I'd find you here. So how was it?” he said while putting his hands together and smiling in a perversely official way. The air turned to stone as a piece of fluff nudged itself into oblivion within Donald's brain. An uprising of splashing water raged towards the small man in a matter of nanoseconds, with little reaction too. Brother Gerald held his smile and his posture and somehow Donald was held still mere inches from the man. Donald's face had turned a deeper shade of red, and was a sight far worse than that that had been seen on the slope. The moustach twitched angrily towards Brother Gerald and several teeth had sprouted from his nostrils.

The clashing of pans and jolly singing of the old woman in the kitchen broke the seething atmosphere and the hamster trembled more intensely.
“So did you learn the vital teachings of the enlightening road?” Brother Gerald repeated, a hint of irritation arising in his voice from being ignored.
“NO I BLOODY WELL DID NOT” raged Donald, his moustach taking a swing for Gerald's face, but not quite making the connection. The nasal teeth snarled and Gerald took to a more convincing pose.
“Then I suppose you'll have to do it again, before you may walk further upon the path of God” he said in his convincing tone. But not convincing enough for the hamster, as its teeth were already sunk halfway into Brother Gerald's bald head. An action packed series of events followed in which Donald, the hamster and Brother Gerald all battled to the death.
The hamster won.
And Brother Gerald breathed his last words:
“The purpose of the enlightening road was to teach you that despite how hard and painful things get. How many times you trip and fall and hurt yourself, you should always get up and keep trying, because eventually you'll end up flying into that old womans house who'll.... who'lll... Serve..” he was struggling now and finally breathed his last breath which sounded a bit like “Teaaaa”

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Author guidance for This story

Written over the course of 2009-2010
This is another side to my writing, the more humorous and crazy. Hope you enjoy

updated Jul 27 '10 by Arazele