An E-asy E

Harvey was sitting back on his recliner, sipping on his post-dinner glass of Cointreau and Diet Dr Pepper (stirred, not shaken)  and about to open up his fourth diary of the day.  It was a small one - The Scouting Association - from nine years back.  There were no entries at all from January until mid May, and he hoped Joe had not paid too much for it, but as he read the entries from 14th May onwards - tiny, tiny writing, made by a fineliner pen, probably, crammed into the one inch spaces of the week-to-view pages, he began to change his opinion.

May 14

Just found this diary Mother gave me for Christmas.  She never buys me decent presents.  I wasn't even IN the Scouts any more.  Well.  It'll serve her right when I she finds out I've used it to plot her end.  Silly woman.  How dare she tell me not to (illegible).

May 15

I wonder how many high blood pressure tablets it takes to kill a middle aged woman.  She really got on my nerves today, going on and on and on about my feet.  She needs to concentrate on her own shortcomings rather than dwelling on mine. 

May 16

She overcooked the cabbage - again. She should never have had children if she couldn't feed them properly.  I didn't manage to get hold of the blood pressure pills.  She keeps them locked away and the key in her pocket.  She'll be sorry, though, when I find a way.

May 17

She asked me again today when I'm going to find a place of my own.  I told her I was waiting for her to pop her clogs.  Well, no, I didn't say it out loud.  I just shrugged and left her to finish the washing.  I hope she put my cotton shirt in the right pile.

May 18

If it were not for the fact that she locks her bedroom door at night, I could just go in there and put a pillow over her face.  That way I could just say she went in her sleep.  Do they do a post mortem, though?  I don't know.  Better read up on it.  I suppose I had better learn to cook too, before I do anything.

This went on in a similar vein for pages and pages.  Then, towards the end of October, he found an entry which caused him to look at Ferris, and say, "Listen to this."  Ferris listened, while Harvey read it out.  He always listened.

October 28

Mother's Birthday!  Many Happy Returns, Mumsie.  She was so pleased with the three year Health Club membership I bought her.  It'll help keep her blood pressure down too.  I told her she deserves it.  She's the best mother in the world.

October 29

I do wish she wouldn't eat pistachios when we're watching TV.  The noise of her cracking the shells is so distracting.  Maybe she'll choke on them one night, though.  That would solve my problems.

He looked over at Ferris.  Ferris looked back at him.

"Yes.  I think so, too, lad."  Harvey said, closing the little volume.  Thankfully, he did not even have to rise from his seat.  The "E" cabinet was right next to him.  He placed it on the shelf, with all the others.

"An Eejit, for sure."

The End

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