How one sentence can change your life
I walked along the path that was parallel to the coastline. With every step a new emotion plagued my mind. I could almost taste the salty air as it brushed against my pale skin. The place was deserted. The fence to my left shielded the path from the sun. I shivered. From the other side I could hear the sea.
I couldn’t think of another moment in my life where I had felt so alone. I longed for her to ring me but the quietness of my phone was an agonizing reminder of my isolation. I had to let go of what I’d convinced myself was real. I wondered what she was doing. It had been a whole day and I hadn’t heard anything. My silent phone only confirmed my fears that I had lost her.
Yesterday was a day I’d been imagining for a long time. The day I would finally be free. It was a blur. A tent stood in the corner of the room filled with cushions. It was a safe place where people could confide in a trained volunteer. Something inside of me wanted to come out and for the first time in my life I didn’t restrain it. I spilled my darkest secret to someone I had never met. It was crazy how one sentence of eleven worlds could unleash a chain of events that devastated everything in its path. I never realised the enormity of my situation until then.
I stepped through the narrow gate onto the esplanade. The warmth of the eastern sun filled every part of me and for a split second I felt free. My mousey blonde hair gently blew in the mild wind. Then the anger engulfed me; the anger that shielded me from the desperate feelings of loss. How could this happen? I shouldn’t be in this situation. I stared into the distance. The sea was calming and the sun rebounded off the water creating an inviting slivery gleam. I wondered if anyone was out there like me looking into the distance. It gave me a sense of not being alone.
I wished I had the wings of an eagle and could take off over the sea and fly away from my collapsing world. I turned to my left and started walking. If I had known the feelings of guilt my disclosure would invoke I wouldn’t have said anything. I couldn’t imagine what sort of a life I would eventually have to return to. Why hadn’t she called? Did she care?
I looked at my watch, 4:56pm. It was time to go back. I prayed that time would stand still so I could escape my life for just another minute. Then I had a thought – what if I didn’t go back? What if I kept on walking? What if I started again elsewhere? Before I could dream up a new existence I turned and headed back to the gate. I had to know. I couldn’t leave without knowing whether she would come back to me.
If I had known at that moment I was walking towards a future of uncertainty, guilt and fear I probably would have walked away.