god DAMN basically "white girl problems" summarised in bad grammar.
I'm feeling sort of okay at the moment. Like, I think back to this time last year where it all started ~spiralling down, and I'm actually sort of trying to stop that from happening this year. Like, if you look at the positives:
- My mum isn't ill (well, she is currently with Iron Deficiency, but at least she hasn't been being unwell for a whole year, ya know?), which sort of relieves some of the stress I had last year.
- For the first time ever my mum's GP told her she was doing okay. Like, not the usual "you're dying you're gonna die why aren't you trying" like my mum fkn overworked herself last/this year but it's obviously paying off and, wow that's just, really, nice.
- She even heard about some thing that could be put inside her to measure her insulin levels, even while she sleeps. That means no more hypo's in the middle of the night. That means the one thing I've been terrified of my whole life has virtually no risk of happening ever again. (I still have nightmares about it. I cried about it to people I thought I hated while on the Russian trip. It's been this one thing in the back of my mind my whole life since I was 8, remembering the day when I found her, and now there could be a chance that it will never happen again. fuCK WOw pls).
- Don't do physics any more. That's just one thing that will never stop feeling Great.
- While struggling in Decision 1, it's not?? just me??? And I built up the courage to go up to her and ask for help and so maybe I'll understand and wow.
- Doin' okay in Core, too. Like, the recent paper was a flop, but so was everyone else's. And like, I think I get it. I think I can do it. This is so different to last year and I'm gonna try to keep it this way. My maths teacher likes to tell me I've been "working hard" and every time she does I have to stop myself from like tearing up.
- Lil' bit terrified of the re-takes coming up. I just need to work my butt off over christmas. That's awesome.
- I finally feel like I have friends. Even if my best one lives in London, another one spends all day texting her bf, but like, that doesn't matter because I'm gonna meet Ellie one day and wow I'm trying so hard to meet up with friend's outside school. It's exhausting but like, I went to town with my friend the other day. And we're all going swimming next Tuesday. And it's hard and it's probably gonna drain me but daMN I need it so badly. I'm so sick of everyone hanging out without me so I'm foRCING MYSELF UPON THEM. Yeah.
- While this may sound stupid I have developed a bit of a situation for Alex Vlahos and that just makes me happy idgi man.
- I can buy bus tickets and get into town on my own. This is actually such an achievement and I'm really proud of myself???????? Also bus rides home in the dark on my own are fun as hell.
- My history essays are getting significantly more than 50%, unlike last year. This is progress and I like it.
Of course, there are still things that suck; that make me dread going to school and dread still being alive and time moving so quickly towards whatever's gonna happen after school and, like, I don't want to have to go through all this but I have to and sometimes, sometimes I hate it and I just want to get off, but other days there's just small glimpses of excitement like. Freedom. I'm gonna be 18 I can get the train to go visit friends Getting a job may give me some actual confidence I won't have to write another damn classics essay ever again I, I don't know what's gonna happen after school, but I won't be at school and that's. Really nice. x