My misery has occupied me for hours. Cruelty to children; people turn mad from grief; child abuse. These well-known phrases echo in the mind like a record-player. And there behind it all I keep reliving the horror. Again and again. And again.
I think of possible identities for Blue-Cloak. There is my sister's enemy, India Cleveland, who came to our house once a few years ago, and happened to hit me. It was hard, too. I still feel the sting between my shoulderblades. Then there is my dad's old boss, Mr Morgan, who hates my dad because he believed a rumour that my dad stole some money left lying on his desk a few years ago. He fired my dad, to be on the safe side. Said he wasn't reliable enough. Said he spent too much time on his artwork. Wasn't that enough? To fire him? To kill my sister would be revenge for old things, and, much as I despite them, I am certain that neither India Cleveland nor Mr Morgan would dream of committing such a deed.
Murder. Murder is drastic action; not just revenge. Even if I hated someone and hated them and hated them and the hate festered like an infected wound, I would not dream of murdering them, unless, maybe...Vere always said I was not a very violent person. Is that really true? She said it was a good thing. Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn't.
Right now I could easily knife Blue-Cloak.
But my anger is cooling, as a red-hot rod slowly cools, and eventually I will not feel the pain. I find that hard to think about. How can I never feel this pain? Pain. Vere's death will cause me nothing but pain. To think that I could forget her... I make a mental vow that I will never forget my sister. The wound of the bottom dropping from my mind will heal, but I will not forget my sister.
I close my eyes, tasting the cold drops of water that have been soaking me for hours. I do not feel the chill; just the coolness on my hot dry eyes. I still can't cry. Is Vere, so far away in Heaven, angry with me for not being able to cry? No; Vere is never angry with me. She understands me. No; she understood me.
Now I am crying.