Depression Hurts

I'm sure all of you have seen at least one of those moronic commercials for Depression medication. The foremost in my mind being the ones for Cymbalta.

"Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help."

These commercials feature dramatic music, cloudy days and people looking out their windows and sighing. These people are always alone and always wearing dull clothing. I resent those commercials.

Because Depression isn't just sighing and dull clothes and windows.

Depression is so much worse than 30 seconds.

Its when you wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air because you've forgotten how to breathe, because it hurts to breathe. When the nightmares won't stop and the guilt never goes away, whether you actually have something to be guilty about or not. Its when you panic because you know that you're absolutely useless and nobody loves you and even the ones that do- they don't understand how hard it is for you to just continue to exist. Its when you're afraid of heights- not because of the altitude- but because you're afraid you'll jump and equally afraid that you won't.

When your hands are shaking and your entire body shivers uncontrollably and you feel so entirely alone that all you can do is curl up in your bed and whimper through another thunderstorm. Its when people tell you that you should smile more often and that you shouldn't worry so much, when they write off whatever is wrong with you and tell you to get over it and roll their eyes and call you dramatic.

Depression is when your friends can see right through you like you're transparent, they know that so many things are so wrong and they tell you that you can't go through it alone. But, that's the worst part. You don't want their help, you don't want anyone's help or sympathy or caring. You wish they would all go away and just let you fall into the chasm you don't remember stepping to the edge of.

Its when your entire body feels heavy and the headaches don't stop and you feel like you're going to vomit your guts onto the sidewalk at any moment. And you can't tell the people that are close to you unless you want to end up in the hospital or kicked out of school or in therapy or on drugs.

Depression is when I'm standing on top of the parking garage and looking down and thinking.

And thinking and thinking and thinking.

Depression is when I stop thinking.

The End

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