I was so proud of Tavie. I decided to go check on Lucia. I was basking in my victory with Tavie, who knows what I can can do with Lucia?
It was night as usual. Wonderful night. She was watching a movie.....anything to keep the silence away. She was thinking about her father. Her broken family. I could see the yearning. She was missing him tonight.
Darling, darling. Your daddy doesn't miss you. You haven't heard from him in weeks. You are nothing worth fighting for. That's why you have no friends. Your not anything special! Just think of everything your whole family lost......and mainly because of you.
That's not true. I know its my fault......Dad just isn't doing well. He loves me, he just.....he doesn't love me. If he loved me, then he would fight for me. He would fix himself so I would want to be around him again. I don't care. I never want to see him again.
Tsk, tsk. Be careful what you wish for. Wouldn't it be terrible if your father died? What if he died because you refused to see him?
Panic. Nothing but panic became apparent in her eyes.
But he isn't dead!
You really don't know that! You haven't heard from him in weeks!
Anxiety rose up with her stomach as she ran to the toilet. She puked her guts out as I stood over her. That's right darling, your never gonna see him again. And if he dies, its your fault.
She threw up again.
She laid down in the bathroom and started to cry. Darling! Don't cry! Remember you never even want to see him again! So what the heck are you crying about??? I laughed at her. She was so pitiful.
She curled up in a ball and looked at her hands, tears still flowing. Oh yes. Only one way to punish yourself for thinking something that awful. And if he dies, its also your fault.
Her brightly colored pink nails pressed against her leg, quivering. Just do it and get it over with.
She did. By the time she was done her whole leg was bright red. But no blood. She was satisfied with the pain. She crawled in bed and continued to cry.
I let her dream that night she saw her precious daddy in the hospital. And it was all her fault.