I left Tavie, knowing that she wouldn't eat anything that day. She had a routine. Go to bed hungry, wake up hungry. There was seldom a moment she wasn't hungry, and when she wasn't, she was guilty. That's my girl.
I returned to Lucia. I found her standing with all her friends, about ready to go to class. She was smiling and laughing. I'll rip that smile off her face. I observed her for a while. She was wearing a long-sleeved shirt.
Oh yes. This is good. You haven't done it since that night darling, but that will soon change. Darling you do realize that people are only talking to you because they feel sorry for you? You don't have any friends, you loser. They don't love you. They don't care for you. You can pretend all you want but soon they'll see the real you.
The smile fell from her face, but she quickly replaced it with a fake one.
That's not true. If they didn't like me then they wouldn't be around me. But I suppose they are want to be around me because they feel sorry for me. They don't love me, I know. And if my friends don't love me, I guess I'm not good enough. I need to be better.
She flashed a smile and opened her mouth only to speak what she thought was a witty comment. They laughed, then turned and started to go to class. Miss Lucia hung back, and started to walk to the bathroom.
That was so dumb Lucia. That was so dumb. No wonder your friends don't like you! Your not smart, you don't have anything worthwhile to say.
She stood in the bathroom and rinsed her hands. She glanced at the mirror and started to cry. She put her face into her hands, unable to look into the mirror.
Oh yes Lucia. Cry all you want but it won't help. You know that.
I can't do it. I can't. It helped for a while, but it felt horrible afterward. I can't.
You have to. There is no other way! Just get it done, then you'll feel better the entire day.
She didn't even fight it. She knew it was true. Sort of. She pulled up her sleeve and scratched. Again and again. She breathed, pulled down her sleeve, and rinsed her face off. She didn't look in the mirror. She calmly walked back to class, and sat down. Her friends didn't even worry. She gave her fake smile and acted amiable.
But she knew I was still there. She knew I was the darkness to her world. She knew I was the answer to her questions. I defined her.