"I am bored with my life. Every day I have a routine, I have a process. Each action and each step is one of calculation. My fiance has helped me create a space where everything is in order and everything has a purpose. But I do not think this is right for me. I am only twenty one and I do not have a sense of spontaneity. I do not have the ability or the people to go out of my house on the weekend and do something at the spur of the moment. I have no idea what night life is like, or what is feels like to be drunk. Even my bad decisions are usually taken care of and gone in a day or two because they are that mild.
"No one has ever turned their back on me or told me that they could not count on me. I have never organized a party, and have barely even been to a party that was not a family member's birthday. It is like, before last week, I was following a script. I know that I am intelligent and I am not ugly and I am a nice person to be around. So why is this all I have to show for my life? I am getting married next year and I will have a seven year old son to help care for. There is not going to be a bachelorette party, and my wedding shower will be like my engagement party - my mom and a handful of aunts and uncles. I do not aspire to do or be anything specific, because I have just taken on the assumption that I will be doing what Chad thinks is best and whatever our family needs. But all of the sudden, I am not ready for a family. I am not ready to keep going with this life of doing everything right and being the perfect girl for the perfect man. Yes, he is great, and I adore Michael, and I want to be part of their future, but not right now.
"I do not know what any of that has to do with my wreck. So many people are walking around the subject. Some people think I blacked out and some people think i tried to commit suicide. But.. I do not think I tried to end my life. I think... I mean, I was curious to think what would happen if I did it. What would happen if I just drove my car off of an overpass? What would happen.... What would happen to my life? You know, like would people even care if I did die? Would people from my past or those I barely know- would they even come visit me in the hospital? If I were in a coma, who would be crying by my bedside trying to do decide what to do?
"And now... I mean I actually did it! I actually did drive my car off the edge and crashed it and I could have been killed! I could have destroyed my life and never awoken. But that did not even happen. A week later, I have to go back to work and deal with the same people. For a few days I had attention from Chad and things seemed great. But the truth is... i did not hardly effect my life. In fact, no one seems to think anything has changed. I am still expected to be the same person and do the same things.
"Instead, I have.... I have destroyed someone else's life. All I wanted to do was see what would happen to me. But it is this guy- this kid, Steven. He is laying in a bed for who knows how long because i caused him to be hurt. His family is falling apart. Because of me. I am to blame and now maybe they will come after me... What if HE had died? What would be going on right now if I killed someone else when I was being so stupid and so... so God damn curious?! I have totally screwed up someone else's future because I was... not satisfied or something."
Christine stopped speaking, practically worn out from the rollercoaster of emotions she was sharing in her harried speech. Her brain kept going, spinning words and saying the same things in her brain that she had said out loud. She was resting her head on the back of the couch with her eyes closed. Dr Evoch watched her, examining her expression and her comping skills. Waiting to see if she would recover on her own of if she would start to cry or have an anxiety attack. Dr Evoch was encouraged by how much Christine had shared in one sitting, but knew that there could be more to come, or even complete denial of all the emotion she had just poured out into the air between them. To her encouragement, Christine opened her eyes and lifted her head slowly, giving a small smile and then continuing her speech.
"I feel like I should be to young to be going through this. But it is like I have given up on what I was before. It is like I am having a mid life crisis or a breakdown or something. But no, I am just twenty one years old, and I have nothing stressing in my life. Things should be great. Maybe that is why I have such a big problem getting through this. I still do not really understand why I did it... I should be a nice, respectful young lady, getting ready for life and a great, comforatable and loving future. I should be applying to go back to school and further my job. I should be planning out my life so that in a couple years Chad and i can have a baby. I used to want a baby. I used to wish that I would grow up and become married and successful quickly so thta I could mother a child. And now? Phhsshh, now it is like I should not be trusted with kids. Who can trust me? I do not even know myself."
She had begun speaking slower, looking at a painting on the wall and just saying whatever came to mind. Christine did not bother to even think about what to say next. Her stream of concience had more of less stopped but the ideas that came to the surface were important to the subject anyway.
"Right now I am stuck. I do not know where to go from here. I though I needed to change. I thought I needed to somehow add something to my life to make it more meaningful. But, after yesterday, I just do not even know if that is right. Maybe I just need to get up and relocate or something. Make an overall change. It is just that things are not bad here... I mean, why am I even thinking about this and going through it? I am so frustrated because I am like dissastisfied or something and I do not really know why or how it started or if I can even change it!"
She looked directly at Dr. Evoch now, who had been sitting still and listening to everything that Christine had to say. Christine's look was one seeking answeres, partlye expecting to be told what to do and how to solve her problems. Instead, Dr. Evoch let the room clear a little bit and made a comment.
"Christine, it is normal to be confused. Very people really know how to truly go after what they want. Even fewer people know what it is that they want. Some people chase things and it turns out wrong. Some poeple do not even look. You are the only one who can decide what to do. It is your life, and although many people can influence and give advice and have a say, it is all up to you in the end. It is up to you to decide where to go and how to live. Does that make sense?"
It was not what she wanted to hear, but she knew these things deep in her soul, so she nodded slightly, enough to show that she did understnad the therapist's point.
"We are almost out of time today, Chritine. Do you feel any better since you came in?"
"Yes. I actually do. I am still really confused, but... i realized a lot of things while I was talking. And maybe I just need to sit down and figure it out on my own first."
"What is it that usually helps you get through an idea?"
"I like to make lists... organizing information really makes me settle my thoughts."
"Okay, then what I would like for you to do is start writing all of this down as you can. Make a list or a chart or whatever feels the most comfortable. Go ahead and try to understand what you can, whether it is the past or the present or the future. We will schedule for you to come back in a week, but if you need to come in before then, just give my office a call. Okay?"
"All right. Thank you again for everything."