Christine watched as Office Fredricks left her apartment. She felt depressed.
Her morning had been going splendidly, and she felt like herself for the first time in a long time. Yesterday, Chad had taken her on a spontaneous picnic, and they had come back to watch a movie and just enjoy each other's company. It had been so long since anyone had given her this kind of warm attention. With Chad it was usually pleasant, but nearly impersonal. Her mother was rather gushy most of the time, and she did not have any close girlfrineds. So when Chad had been holding her hand and talking about their future, he had bolstered in confidence nad set her spinning with sensibility and grace. The cop's visit, however, brought her back some reality. She had tried to be rational and sensible while he was there, but now depth of emotion and fear started to emerge.
Confusion began to overtake her demeanor and, the door still standing open from the officer's leaving, she reached for her keys and jacket and went out the door, locking it behind her. She wished she could drive around for a little while and settle her nerves, but she still did not have a doctor approval, much less an actual car to do that in. So she took to the sidewalk, her mind full of thoughts, yet blank to understanding what she was thinking.
It was nice walking weather, and after a few minutes she felt a little more settled and peaceful. She began to focus on her thoughts instead of letting them run rampantly through her head. She had to break this down before it got out of control. A list begna to form in her brain, taking apart each subject as she thought about them.
1. Work tomorrow morning was going to be full of questions that she did not feel like answering.
2. She had to meet with her doctor tomorrow afternoon, hopefully getting this itchy brace taken off.
3. Dr. Evoch was also expecting her tomorrow evening and she felt like she had to prepare what to say.
4. The wedding was taking place next year and she was expected to do a lot to get ready.
5. Thanksgiving and Christmas were right around the corner but that involved more people that she just did not have the energy to talk to and be pleasant with.
6. Was Michael upset with her, too, for forgetting to pick him up? Would he be forgiving or upset with her? She was supposed to represent stability and trust to him.
7. Would she hurt any more people like she had hurt Michael and the kid from the accident?
8. Who was this person and why did she not know the details of her own accidnet? Becuase she had not asked?
9. What if they sued her? How much of that did insurance cover? Did she need to get a lawyer? She could not afford a lawyer.
The grasp that she had on her mental list was starting to unglue as she began again to panic. Where was Chad now? Where was her rock of solid sensibility when she was freaking out like this? Abesntly patting her pockets, she realized that she did not even have her cell phone. Then it occured to her that maybe it was not a good idea for Chad to know she was panicking. He valued her organization and steady personality. She was supposed to be all grown up and dependable. What was happening?
Christine really could not think of anyone to talk to. During the time she was in college, she was all eyes for Chad and Michael, and did not even make a single other friend. At work she was the only one her age. Her social life was limited since she did not have many friends. Most of the people even that she knew from high school had gone away to school. She felt terribly alone.
Looking around to see if anyone noticed her eyes start to leak with tears, she realized that she had walked on to campus. Today was Sunday, so it was quiet, except for the library where people were meeting up with study groups for the exams to come. She sat on a stone bench within the commons area and just watched as the occasional person passed by. She kept thinking about Monday and it's events. Her mind had been wandering that night. And then she wandered right off the road. It still did not make much sense to her. Did she try to commit suicide? It was not something she thought about. Her life was surrounded by positive things not dark things, or even thoughts.
She was bored. There must be something to do. But wait, was that the answer? So much in her life had been going along smoothly and routinely that... she was bored. She did not go to college expecting to find love and a fmaily. Yet Chad and Michael had become all she knew. Furrowing her brow and staring at the ground now, she tried to focus on this idea. That night she had been trying to secape. When leaving work, some of the others were talking about going out. There was a party to celebrate someone's engagement and there was quite a bit of festivity about it. Christine remembered at first thinking that they would have fun, as she walked out the door to go pick Michael up.
But as she drove away from work that evening, she could not stop thinking about it. Why did she not have friends to go out and party with? She was twenty one and did not drink, but that did not mean that she culd not go out and have fun. There had not been a party for her when she got engaged. In fact, she did not even have anyone to tell besides calling her mother, who, of course, already knew about it. Where was the adventure and pleasure in life that she knew was out there? Is this all she had to look forward to- occasional signs of affection and everything neat and orderly?
Chad was good for her, sure, but maybe this was happening too fast. It was hard to grasp that being engaged to Chad had eaten away the last three years of her life. That was all she had to show for it. And the fact that it was not satisfying to her? She stood up and shook her head, frustrated by this chain of thoughts. She walked back in the direction of her apartment, unsettled even more by where her thoughts had taken her compared to where she had started with them.
Each quick step was like an annoying rhythem bringing her to change. She needed to change. It was not right that she had gotten unsettled over her life and tried to end it by driving off the interstate. What she had expected? She scolded herself, wondering how she could be so stupid as to not even think about what would happen when she drove off the highway. Now someone else was hurt. Stopping at a crosswalk, she thought about where she was for a moment. Making another resolution, she crossed the street as soon as the sign changed, walking fast toward her apartment.