Chapter 4Mature

His house was dark and calm, like he was. There was a faint smell of lavender as we turned corner after corner until we reached his bedroom. He opened the door and pulled me gently inside, we still had not spoken a word but I didn't care, it seemed unnecessary to even think as he shut the door noiselessly. I stood with my back against the wall of his bedroom.


"You are not nervous" he observed, his deep voice echoed through me. I knew I wasn't, and as he stepped even closer to me I forgot to answer, again he breathed deeply as he kissed my neck and up behind my ear, I could feel myself melting into him, so slowly I hardly knew he had, he lifted me,  holding me against his body. The silence of the house remained as we moved to his bed, falling onto the cold duvet. He hovered above me, treating me with care. I felt as though he was being cautious not to hurt me. I had never been treated so delicately. His hands were softer than satin; they held my body beneath him.


My fingers slowly unbuttoned his shirt, as he looked into my eyes. I still felt like he was evaluating me - there was such caution and apprehension in his eyes it was as though he couldn't control himself. After I removed his shirt I heard his shoes hit the wooden floor and his hands lifted me up against his body. His chest was muscular and almost hairless, it was perfect. He almost seemed too good to be true.


The zip of my dress gently tickled my back as he undone it. He was careful to remove my hair as he did this, and as he pulled my dress away from my body, he pulled my hair forward, breathing it in, and feeling the skin on my back and my neck. His hands were warm and soft, he felt so tender and calm.

I looked away from him for a moment, to unclasp my shoes and throw them to join his own. I wore nothing but my underwear, but I felt no nerves as his hands cradled me, it was like he was exploring me. His fingers traced my spine up and over my shoulders, into my hair and then out across my shoulders over my breasts slowly down my stomach until he was able to snap apart my underwear which he discarded. His other hand pushed me slowly down to lie flat onto the bed. My skin shuddered under the cold of the sheets but I continued to undo his trousers, he pulled them down and off and they too, joined the rest of our clothes.


Instantly, we came together. I broke our silence first, having never felt that impulse before. I had only slept with one person my whole life and had never understood the appeal until now. As soon as I gasped his head snapped up in worry, to reassure him that I was ok, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his face with my hands to face me. I opened myself to him, and he thrust again harder and deeper as if reaching for something within me. He closed his eyes and without a warning he kissed my lips. His kiss was gentle, soft, moving slowly to open my lips, making them move in a way I'd never kissed anyone. I felt like a virgin again, experiencing everything for the first time.

He thrust again, breaking the mesmerizing way his lips had brushed mine.

Like fire we were suddenly ignited, with my hips I pushed against him creating a rhythm that we were able to explore, feeling the heat increase between us as we pushed and thrust against each other until the pleasure was too delicious, his hands never stopped their slow caress of my skin as we continued to kiss. It was as though it wasn't enough, like I wasn't close enough to him. His warm chest brushed mine each time he thrust faster into me. There was a jolt, a small explosion between us and we collapsed, breathing heavily against each other’s necks.


My stranger looked up at me and pulling my body to his as he rolled off me and onto his side.

I felt enjoyed, I felt valued and wanted. He sighed loudly and held me close to his chest - we didn't say a word.


I knew that I had done wrong and every time I thought of what I had done my stomach sank and the taste of sick flooded my mouth, my stranger had fallen into a light doze, his eyes half open in dream. I lay across his chest my hair sprawled down his stomach. I still felt numb everywhere, the way this man I lay against makes me feel, will forever possess me. He possesses me and I don't care. I bit my nails and stared up into the ceiling. I suddenly thought of a quote from my favorite writer, suddenly the paragraph was making sense to me and I could remember it word for word as if I were reading it off of the ceiling.

 Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”


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