It's not until the weekend before school starts that I see Cole again, he's been burrowed in his house since. Not that I've been paying attention...or anything. He just looked pretty freaked out after my near drowning incident and left so abruptly. I don't want him to think I'm some kind of suicidal charity case, and I do not want him to spread any kind of rumors. All I want is to start school hang low and not have a bad reputation. So I really needed to see Cole to clear the air, make sure there wasn't any misunderstandings. I really wasn't suicidal that was the furthest thing from my mind. It's just sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked into another dimension one where my mom still existed. It's almost as if she's trying to communicate with me, I just want to be nearer to her. So suicidal no, certifiable....maybe.
Dad leaves us his credit card to go back to school shopping while he's at work. We take the second vehicle. Dad offered to by me a car, but I insist on driving mom's old truck. Everything is exactly the way she left it in here, the same CD still in the CD player, her flowered CD covers, Her jacket is even thrown in the backseat still. Nobody has touched it. I've kept the keys to make sure, nothing would accidentally get moved out of it's rightful spot.
Noah is wearing a pained expression, he rubs his hand over his eyes in distress. I pretend not to notice the gesture. He nonchalantly reaches for the CD player inject button, he's intending to switch the CD in there. I slap his hand away. “Oh come on!” He hollers.
I shrug apologetically. “Noah I'm sorry but-
“But what?!” He cuts me off, “We're stuck listening to Sugarland in this car for the rest of our lives?! With these damn ugly seat covers,?!”
I take a deep breath.
“I know what your doing Hayden.” He continues still angry but in a quieter voice. “Your still trying to keep her alive. Your a crazy person, you should see a shrink.”
I give him a sideways glance but don't say anything for the rest of the car ride. I know he's right, but that doesn't make what I'm doing wrong.
We separate at Walmart to get school supplies, and I'm picking out notebooks and nearly bump into Cole. He's reading a fishing magazine, he doesn't notice me, so I take the opportunity to profile him. His hair is bleached from the California sun. As he reads it frames his face falling into his eyes which are the most absolute shade of green. His shoulders are broad, and his arms are defined with muscle- Oh God I stop myself right there, I think I've just graduated from profiling to full on stalking.
I stand up straight and decide he's a California cliche anyways, the whole surfer boy look is way overplayed. I dare another glance at him and decide I'm wrong. He's not a sunny surfer, he's wearing a simple white T shirt and jeans, and his expression is unreadable, his jaw set hard and his eyes concentrated, it doesn't exactly scream surfer boy. It doesn't even scream approachable. Even so I clear my throat, I'm about to clear some things up and thank him for saving my life last week, but he gives me a startled expression.
He's muttering frantically under his breath backing away. I don't know what he's doing, praying for my soul maybe? I reach out, grabbing his arm, to stop his ridiculous behavior. He gasps before going quiet. His eyes become wide, and his expression goes blank. He's frozen in this position for a minute. I let go of his arm and back away, hoping nobody noticed his display of behavior.
He snaps out of it, struggling to breathe. I'm overcome with fury. He's making fun of me, he knows I almost drowned last week, he thinks it was intentional.
He's begins to stutter, he wants to tell me something, but I beat him to the chase.
“Look Jackass, I did not do it on purpose okay?”
He nods slowly, “I know of course it was an accident.”
-“Okay so can we put this behind us?”
He nods again, “I think so, but Hayden if you are going to do it again. You need to make sure you keep it to properly. I don't want to get sucked into this again okay?”
I shake my head in disbelief. How could someone be so cruel?! And lets be honest, there's no proper way to off yourself.
I bitterly respond, “You think I tried to kill myself and instead of -I don't know giving me a hotline number, you instruct me to do it properly so I don't inconvenience you!?”
He shakes his head, and his eyes go wide again, “What?!”
I turn and start walking in the other direction and ignore him when he calls after me.