Dear Rob,

Rob,
We know it's for the best. I know it too. But I just can't help but miss you.
-Cat

June 11, 2012 - Skinny Love

Dear Rob,

When you google the phrase or terms "Skinny Love" you get 3 meanings.

One of them is this "when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it.

So this was us, more than 3 months ago. 

I always pondered about this.Is this all we'll ever be?  That was a question that kept on pestering me for hours.

Eventually I got an answer. It was a No and Yes. No, we were more than that .  Yes, starting now I guess, that's all we'll ever be. Or maybe I just assume that we still are. :(

I haven't experienced anything like this before. Breaking it off because it felt a lot better when I was sure that I didn't have to fight for anything anymore. Don't get me wrong, I would. But if I do that and all of my fighting spirit just gets crushed and under appreciated in the end, then I guess it was a better option to forfeit. 

Nowadays, everything just feels like a big ole ball of being unsure. Yeah sure we're friends, but do we still have feelings for each other? I know I still do. I'm not sure about you. But that's a matter I don't want to get mixed up in again, not now. In a month or two, or a year or two maybe. 

I'm such a mess. I love you, I still do. But I just can't risk telling you again. And then what we'll be caught up in all of the chaos again? No thank you.

For the past few days I thought I was contented. I've been having the time of my life (okay okay not really, but it was okay). And it took one conversation and a jealous me to realize all of what I've said above. 

You know, I was talking to someone else today, we talked for hours nonstop, the way we used to. And I kept on stopping and looking out the window and looking back at him hoping I would see you instead of him. Just like old times. But it wasn't...couldn't be... you facing me, talking to me about random things.

When I saw you talking to that other girl, and you kind of ignored me.  It hurt. Fine, this would be so shallow of me, but you used to like her. And I don't know I just got scared and weirdly jealous that I couldn't keep the hurt look hidden. I couldn't stand to watch you guys anymore so I looked out the window and tried to get rid of the pinch I felt in my heart.

But then we had a moment, I guess, earlier. When you finally gave up and sang something that only I could hear. And when I leaned closer to hear you sing, you didn't stop. I like it when you sing you know. But today I couldn't hear it that much, because I could only lean so far and everyone else was chatting it up while the radio was on full blast. 

The last time I remember you singing to me was when we talked about the song "Grow old with you" and you started to sing it to me. Even when there's a crowd of people behind us, rushing to get around that morning, you still sang the song to me while we walked together.

Nostalgia aside, after you sang the song I couldn't remember, we talked a little. You told me something and I told you something about what I remember 2 or 1 month/s ago. But then we kind of let it go because that was the time when we were caught up about the whole "love" thing.  

URGHHH why do you do this to me, Rob? You make me write letters to you explaining how frustrated I am about these things but I wouldn't even show them to you.

I don't really know what I'll feel if ever you do read these letters.  Maybe I won't care. I don't really know.

Love, Cat

The End

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