Dear God,

I used to write to you whenever something came up and I was upset or frustrated or wanted something. Now as part of my new years resolution in my attempt to get closer to you I will write to you every day. Right here. I chose here so that I can’t loose the letters and I always have easy access to them. So here I go. Day 1.

I made a mistake a few days ago. One I promised myself a while ago I wouldn’t break but I did. I went to Brittany’s house. She was gonna introduce me to the vampire diaries and teach me how to play COD and Skype with friends. Only problem was she wanted to drink; rum and nog to go with the holiday season. I said no for a while and text my dad to let him know if she didn’t stop bugging me to drink that I would want to go home. She did stop bugging me only problem was when she stopped bugging me I wanted to drink. All my progress i made from March when I was an alcoholic for a month or two was gone. I caved in and chugged the glass back in a minute. By 3am I felt horrible and couldn’t stop shaking. It was weird I’d never been drunk like that. I remember everything that happened and i shook and felt like I was floating. I didn’t even feel my legs move when I walked I just drifted to where I wanted to go. Needless to say I didn’t want to get sick at her place so I called my dad told him what happened and went home. He wasn’t mad at me which shocked me. But then again he wasn’t made last year November when it was a million times worse and I was in a park at midnight and he had no idea where I was. But I swear this time I am done. It doesn’t give me the sick pleasure it used to of feeling numb. It doesn’t solve any of my problems and it’s dumb.

Sleep  doesn’t come easy anymore. I fall asleep at around 4 or 5 am. It’s gotten quiet sad. I wish me and sleep were better friends.  I keep having this weird dream every night. I can’t remember what it is for the life of me but I do know it scares the life out of me. Something to do with fire and my brother. Theres a kid somewhere in there too but I can’t fit the pieces together. 

Im really worried about Riley. He doesn’t have a brain tumour like everyone thought, his brian is just badly bruised, but his symptoms are getting worse. He has to go back to the doctor soon to see whats going on because he had hit his head again, play fitting with his brother in law. Please God don’t let it be serious, he means allot to me. He’s had a rough life and I can’t imagine him and his family having to endure much more. 

But I guess I don’t have much more to say today. I kind of just decided a few minutes before I started writing that I would do this. Didn’t even really have allot on my mind, just thought why not. Anyways. Im going to read my bible for a little bit. Maybe. That sounds horrible but I’m really bad at reading my bible. Especially considering I got ‘The Hunger Games” , “Brisingr” and “Forever” for Christmas. I’ll try to get better at reading my bible, but I can’t really lie to you and say I’m going to read [my bible] for an hour or whatever when I’m probably gonna see my books next to it and read those instead. 

I love you, and I miss how close I used to be to you. I’ll work on getting back to that place.

All ny love, 

Brooke.

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