Dear Ella, if you feel up to reading this

Dear Ella, 

I don't know if you'll read this or not. I don't expect you to after everything that i've done. I just hope that if you do see it you'll believe me or at least that it won't make things worse. Please though, if you are reading this, read to the end if you can, i know it's long but i need to say it to you. Whenever and if ever you want to read this, here it is. 

You were right about everything that you said. You were right about the party to begin with. I really shouldn't have gone to it because when you have a bad feeling about something it's nearly always right. I also should have listened to you better when you told me that i should report what Tom did, doing that would have given him what he deserved. Also I should have stood up for myself better in the first place, it would have solved a lot of issues right there and then, i do need to learn to handle things better when they happen. 

Also, I do need to listen to you more because you're side of things is equally important. What you have to say has always and will always be important and valuable to me and i'm sorry for all the times that i've given the impression that i don't think that. Especially when you're going out of your way to help me, i need to be better at receiving your help and doing what ever i can to make sure that the help you give me doesn't go to waste. 

Related to that, i you were right about the fact that i need to learn how to sort things out on my own. I should never depend on the fact that your help always gets me out of bad situations. You have your own problems to deal with without me asking you to help solve mine. I do need to learn to find solutions to things on my own without depending on the help of others to get me through. Also, getting upset with you today when you were just trying to help was a horrible thing to do and was not right of me in any way. If you give your time to try and help me i should listen to you, and getting upset was not and never will be the right way for me to respond to that. 

Also, saying that i didn't care anymore was the worst choice of words i have ever made in my entire life. I do care, i care a whole lot. I should have said that if you choose to give me your opinion i should listen to it and take it into account instead of getting upset about it. Instead i said something that was mean and horrid even if it wasn't meant the way it sounded. I really do care and thats why i get upset when things like this happen, i know that if i made the right choices a lot of this could have been prevented to begin with. A smart choice, which i did not make and regret not making, would have been to apologize for my actions to begin with and change the way i was looking at the conversation we had been having. Also, another very much smarter choice would have been to look at your side of things before reacting in a negative way.

When i get upset i do bad things, i make horrible choices, say terrible things, and otherwise act like a total rotten human being. I need to learn this and think before i do anything when i'm upset because it's not right of me to be acting the way i've been acting. Nobody deserves to be treated the way i've been treating you lately and especially the way i treated you tonight. You're mean the world to me and you deserve to be treated a million times better than how i treat you. I need to learn that when i'm upset i'm usually too worked up and that i need to step back and breath. To be completely honest, i don't know if the damage i've caused because of my being too upset about things can be undone now because i've gone way too far too many times now and i know that when i have i've hurt you, upset you, or stressed you out. I know that you go through so much for me and the things i do are a horrible way to repay you for everything. that you've done. I wish that at least i could show you how much you really do mean to me and how much i appreciate everything that you do. 

I know that i screwed up, i know it was bad, and i know that there's a chance that you won't be able to forgive me for it, but please at least know that i'm so so sorry. I swear that i'll do anything and everything to make it up to you or to make it better, or at least to prevent it from becoming worse. 

I love you and always will, no matter what happens, 

xoxo

Anna

The End

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