A letter to a stranger.
My thoughts condensed into a letter, full of things I have no balls to say to someone I loved. Everyones been there.
What a tired cliche to write the thoughts of my heart in a letter. Numerous girls do this, however typical this is I'm finding it somewhat theraputic.Now the last letter I gave to you, didn't go down very well. I poured my heart out very briefly in biro, begging for forgiveness and if I remember correctly you dumped me. I contribute this to you being a cold hearted bastard with no emotions, just erections but I'm going to ignore that for now.
The whole situation is totally fucked up. On the outside our strange relationship was completely normal, even the way we broke up and I guess I can blame my lack of experience in the boyfriend area for me being unable to accept it, move on and let anyone back in my heart to love and treasure like I did. People can just say that it's because you were my first love, that actually you never get over your first love. Who said? I no longer enjoy this theory, it's bullshit. I'm determined to get over you.
I am pretty adamant that I don't love you. I can't bear to see your name anywhere, I hate it when your mother likes my Facebook posts, which she still does! Would you believe? I wonder if she ever says to you 'what happened to that girl?' because she knew, she knew how I felt about you, she would look at me with relish, as if to say 'you're welcome'. She could tell that i was grateful to her, for bringing you into my world. The impossible thought of being near you makes my skin crawl, and not in the pleasant way, in the 'I might vomit' way, i cant look at photos of you. You are a coward, and that quality in a man is not desirable to me in the slightest. You are incredibly insensitive and you can be so cold. The worst is that you are a liar, and here! Is the most pathetic part, all you lied about was loving me. And for what benefit exactly? This is what I need to know. And I'm sure that need is what is still driving me insane, driving these dreams of you, it's like an itch I can't scratch.
I'm sure, that I would have rather you cheated on me that way this white hot anger and hatred I hold for you everyday would be worth something more than 'boo hoo' David didn't love me. how pathetic this is, is not lost me. At all.
You were so damaged, this is what I don't understand and I hate to break it to you David, but you had me. A girl that after a year of feeling broken, because the guy who was going to be her partner in crime, who was thinking of their future together, who had said he loved her and could have been her everything ended it. As if it was nothing to him at all. So terrified of having repeats of your previous relationships where girls cheated on you, that you were blind to the big picture, to me, loving you with every bone in my body, effortlessly.
I proved you right though, I didn't do as well as your previous girlfriends, I didn't cheat on you but I did tempt your best friend. I have numerous photo of his penis on my email. He has photos of me, naughty ones of me posing in whatever position he wanted. We explored had Internet sex relationship that I don't know if you're aware of, maybe thats why you no longer talk to me? Or maybe you know nothing of it. I crave to know what you think about it all. Are you pleased that you were right? Deep down maybe you thought that I was just like the others, maybe you saw in my eyes that I had it in me, that I did love you just as much as your girlfriends yet I could do something like that to you. For the record I did it for entertainment, to revel in that I could do this to you so easily. To prove you right for some bizarre reason impressed me, spurred me to continue doing it. My sex life stopped being any business of yours at all when you stopped being my boyfriend. And I exploit that fact every chance I get.
During the summer after our break up I mourned you as if you had died, i grieved you. I guess in a way my body was saying goodbye to you because you had died to me. And god did I want you to die, I prayed for it. I would walk home, drunk and sob, sob alone and pray that you felt even just a fraction of my pain. Even though i knew deep down that you were making new friends, sleeping with strangers and the memory of me was quickly starting to evaporate and in my place a new girl, just as ludicrously stupid as I was.
But in that time I remembered something important, and I remembered that I am not this ugly sad girl that you dumped. No, I am actually attractive and fun and I had forgotten that during our time together however brief of a time, the love i had for you shadowed me. I resolved myself to become the girl you fell in love with but better, because who i had become was no longer good enough for you and had become someone unlovable. And to tell the you the truth, she wasn't good enough for me either.
So I did what any attractive girl does, and I slept with boys, enjoying my summer for what it is for, for working, drinking and fucking. Fucking everyone.
You were never far from my thoughts, as much as I hate to admit it. But a part of me felt better, as if I was getting to you in some unseen way. It pleased me that you might find out what a naughty girl I had been and hate me, make things easier so I could hate you back in a satisfying way. And that the hatred that you felt for me would explain why you stopped replying to my Facebook messages. Now I guess that was because you had a new girlfriend, some poor girl who you had wooed with your beautiful face and shaggy hair. Jesus christ.
If I mention that I hope she cheats on you does that make me a really awful person? I got to prove you right, do me a favour. Prove me right! I told you that no one would love you as much as I did. I lied to you about some intimiate details of our relatinoship but only to boost your confidence, if that makes it better. I doubt it does.
My theories are endless. It's either your plan just to torture women because you got hurt twice, by attempting to be a stud, get the girls just in too deep before ripping everything apart by denying them your love, your touch, and everything that starts to matter. And you do it all for the gratification. and my other theory is still your fault and that is that your heart is just so big, that you give it away too quickly before your brain can catch up and then when it does, you are the one who is in too deep. Or it's all me, i will play the victim and blame my daddy issues. Constantly after a man that is uncontainable did you know since we split up I slept with six guys that had girlfriends?
You know, this letter started as an angry one because I'm always angry you. Constantly wanted to scream in your face. But when it comes down to it? What could I say? You are many awful things, but you are also the most important thing to me, even though now you are a stranger , I realised that I don't even know you anymore at all, if i did would i feel the same way? Its been a year since ive seen you. And these qualities of you that I cling onto, that i dream of, are what our relationship was, a false truth, a delusion, something my over eager brain decided was what I deserved and expected from my boyfriend. My boyfriend, David who had this look, this look that I wanted to look beautiful for, to get him to touch me, it was something that I craved. His eyes held this innocence and humour, and his mouth, oh that mouth. And his laugh! David had the most ridiculous laugh, it was hideous but so infectious. He had a unique way of making me feel like I could tell him everything, all my dirty secrets and he'd keep them. He seemed like someone who could know the good and the bad about me and accept it. He would never ignore me the way you do, he would never deny me his eyes while breaking my heart. He would also never make me feel inferior, and use his other friendships to make me jealous, the david i had loved me as i love him. David would punch you in the face if he met you.
That's the David I fell in love with, and you are definitely not him anymore Which is sad, because I thought his was cool. And i mourn my loss for that part of you, that you shared with me. I don't thank you for being in my life, I haven't enjoyed much of it at all recently, but I'm glad for it in any case. At least my first final love is over and done with now, I don't have to wait for this heartache when it is someone who cheats on me, who dumps me when I'm pregnant with their child or anything dramatic enough to be on Jeremy Kyle. At least I know the worst of it now.
The purpose of this letter now I guess, is just a warning to you, just to say that maybe if you think you're in love with a girl and she's in love with you. Don't break her heart. Be a man and look her in the eyes if you are going to crush her world and do her the favour of staying out of her life forever. And if desperation wins over and she tries to contact her don't ignore her, then decide one evening, when you might be drunk to re add her on Facebook and remind her, as if she had forgotten that you're still there to torment her.
This letter is what I shall torment you with now. It's the least you deserve. All I have learnt is that misery can't always be the price of happiness and sometimes it takes that depth of sadness to realise that being happy isn't always worth it. Trying to get over you is a long process, I think I will love you forever.