I thought I was untouchable today. My steps sprung from the earth with energy, my warm smile was warming the cold grey of the room. I saw people shut down, and I breathed love. They rose to take it in. My compliments were only excuses to find their own strengths, and I urged them to find their sparkle. My heart felt full, I felt wanted, complete, satisfied with who I was. I brought out the best in people. I gave them a reason to love themselves.
I wanted to try something that scared me today. I wanted to be someone else as an actor, to step out of who I was, and I picked you to witness it.
You showed me how, you stole the stage. You rang out in volume and you turned heads with your radiance. You glowed in your familiar spotlight. And then you shined it on me, expectations raging high, and I shrank form the light, my own glow dwindling. It scared me. I felt more confident before, and now that I was standing before you I felt uncomfortable. This was new, I didn't want to make a show, I wanted to learn to act before I preformed. My comfort of quiet had been shattered, and I stepped more out of my normal into the judging circle. I had chosen to do this, I had chosen to try, and I didn't feel the warm rush of self appriciation that comes with challenging the self image. I felt my flaws magnified under your gaze. I felt like i was leraning to walk, while you were running, and that wasn't ok in your eyes.
And then like a brush of sunshine, the most amazing girl breathed into the scene. You lost all focus, and I stuttered and tripped over my words while you ran to the girl you had chosen to replace me. Because she knew how to run.
I didn't feel I could be louder to draw your attention back to me. That would take away from you two, and I didn't want that to happen. I walked away frozen. I didn't like that experience. The fighting part of me said to work at it, because it was something I wanted to learn. I would to struggle to get there. The weak side said I wouldn't be able to handle being the beginner in the perfect girl's turf. That my pride would kill all desire to put myself out there.
That made me rage inside, to think I was shutting myself down because I was a beginner. I sent love to myself, trying to remember what made me spectacular, but I was blinded today.
I saw you again. You were with her. Something was off. You were louder than usual. You sounded like a little kid trying to preform his best trick to get attention. I know you better. That's not who you are. You were demanding anyone to idolize you, and you showed me your worst side. I wanted to idolize you, I wanted to make you feel worth something. And yet you threw something unpleasant in my face, and I didn't feel the love bubbling from my body. I felt cold and stiff. You were hiding, and I was throwing knives, enraged such an amazing person was being so immature.
I hate myself when I'm drawn to that behavior. Too stoop so low as to rip apart someone's love for themself- its cruel. I walking home today, I excreeted tears instead of warmth. I feel wretched I stepped on your insecurities. I feel like I had the pride ripped from me. I had erased one of my own principals by not bringing out a smile in someone who needed a hug. My strength of love was compromised by my own cruel actions, and I felt myself loosing grip on what I loved about myself.
I wasn't about to turn poisonous. I wasn't trying to fuel pain.
Now I am conflicted. I want to distance myself from the cause of my hatred. I want to find peace in myself and bring out the best in others. But I also want to overcome the pain. I want to prove to myself I can put myself out there, and stop throwing darts.
I find myself drawn back to the danger zone. I do want to challenge myself. I want to struggle among lines even though its uncharted waters. I might look like a fool, but maybe you would join me? I don't want to cut you away even as your judgment makes me cringe. Despite tears in my heart forming as you pull yourself back from me to conform to her, I know there are parts of us that make us better people.
So I'll start slow. I'll allow myself to mess up and look more awkward than a fool does, and take ownership of my newness. I will love myself, despite the struggle, and be proud I have the strength to try.
My hope is I can harness my judgment. But please know, its hard enough to slow my own, please don't stack yours on top.