Crushing the ice

Something happened to my world….
I’ve been there for days. Today I left for the length of a heartbeat when my alarm clock scared me, and as I came back it was full of ice.

It looked beautiful and terrifying. All the trees were coated in ice. Every grass stem, every stone… even the creek. I could see some of the life under the thin ice, but everything else looked so dead.
It’s terrifying!
The forest was never this nice, and never this desperate.

I heard it whisper my darling’s words… all he ever wrote…
I was freezing and as I looked down to my body I got surprised by the view of a beautiful dress, made of ice crystals. It looked like fairies made it and it moved just like real dress.
But I didn’t like the way it was pressing my chest together. It felt like it’s trying to make me stop breathing.

As I tried to call my love for help I saw that he wasn’t there any more.
I had to find a way to get this dress off.
Then I started running to the small forest house. I passed the trees and went deeper into the forest.
For some reason it changed, and the path looked different.
The dead look of the frozen flowers made me panic even more.

What I saw wasn’t our house… much more a big castle made of ice. The respect it provoked made me truly speechless. I was so afraid to enter the large halls, but there wasn’t a way to escape it.

All I heard was my breath. But much louder. And my thoughts.
It seemed that the walls had a way to let my thoughts haunt me like they were some words  I really spoke out.
Maybe this castle was some sort of my inside.
All I saw made me freeze even more. I wasn’t able to stop the emotions.
Some of them made me feel so happy. Just to find out that something horrible is awaiting me.
I lived through my whole life just in those few minutes while I was walking through the corridors.

Then I couldn’t stand it any more.
My skin was almost blueish and I felt how the dress pulled my life out of me.
I run out of this scary place and tried to find a way back into our forest, but whatever I did, I always got back to the entrance.

There was nothing else left for me then to get in again and try to find a way through all those rooms.

Everything was so confusing… even my thoughts. They mirrored everything that I saw.
But those were kind of strange mirrors, since everything looked even more grotesque, everything so disorted.

This was the first time that I felt scared in this forest.
It was always a safe place.

Then I saw a door, that looked different then every other door in this castle.
As I entered it I saw only a chair in the room. And one wall was missing.
I took a seat and looked at the forest.
Everything was green and so alive! So where was I then??

My breath turned even shorter.
It looked like my life will end here, in this room, and nobody can help me get out.
The last thing I could do was to stand up and try to jump out of the castle into that beautiful forest.
I pulled my hand back as if it touched a fire. The wall was there, but I couldn’t see it.
Everything that I tried in my life kinda looked like this. Everything so close, in front of me.. but as I reach to touch it, something appears between me and the freedom.

Then I heard something like whining from the other room.
I reached toward the wall and as I came closer I just passed through it. There I saw my knight, sitting on the floor and crying.
Behind his wall there was a different picture.

I could see him there, his wife and children in his arms, while they seat by that house I know so well. And on the left side, he was alone, leaning on a boulder and watching his lady leave. Those were his thoughts…

A scream flamed up in my heart. I took a deep breath and the seams of the dress started to give in. 

I run to my love and put my arms around him. But he didn’t react. I called his name and it looked like he didn’t hear me.

I kept calling him…
As he didn’t answer I took a seat by his side and felt the tears running down my face.
Maybe I didn’t exist at all… and my dress started to press again.

After a while I heart him whisper… “Don’t cry my darling… I know that you are just a dream… but even dreaming of you like that hurts me.”
I looked at him and pressed my nails against my skin to stop myself from fainting.
I crawled to him on my hands and knees and wanted to touch him, but then hesitation appeared. This place wanted to take control over me and I felt it clearly.
So I took his hand and as he felt it he lifted his head and looked at me.
“You are not a dream…”
- “No I’m not baby”
“You were here before too?”
- “Yes I was”

I could see how scared he was of the pictures that he saw in this place.
I just took his sword and started hitting the wall. Then I saw it scatter around, like some thick glass.
My knight still couldn’t move.

I knelt in front of him and started shaking him. It looked like he finally woke up.
As I kissed his lips it looked like he didn’t really believe it.

All that fear in his heart took it’s toll. I took his hand and pulled him out.
We jumped from the first floor and landed on the soft green grass.
As I looked behind at the castle it looked like it started melting. And my dress disappeared under the warmth of the sun.
My darling looked at me and pressed my hand in his hand.

We entered the small house and he closed the door.
I took a seat in front of him, took his face in my hands and kissed his forehead.

- “Baby I am always with you. If you want us to be together we will be. Your dreams are just your fears, not the truth. The truth is that I will never leave you. So forget that sad picture and live and smile for us.”
I didn’t have to say anything more. All my words are just words. I prayed that he will have enough strength to survive all the bad times that will come and that he will never have doubts about my love for him.
Then he will suddenly appear in the middle of his dreams, and not just watch from the side.

I leaned on the bed and he took a place by my side.
I was stroking over his hair… allowed him to be just a tender soul and to relax.
This is our world… we are always safe here. And even the nightmares can’t change that.
The castle was made of our fear, and the ice managed to captivate even the pure fire of poppies and the strength of the magnificent birches.
It was possible only because we had so much fear and doubt in us.

As the sun slowly got higher, my darling fell asleep. I moved closer to him and was holding him in my arms. After all we have been through, the fear is the only thing that could be stronger then we are.
And it would be stupid to loose our dreams just because we never tried to get where we want to be.

It’s been so long since we could relax and enjoy the wonderful moments we had.
Our nights were full of sweet words and promises.
Then we were torn apart.

I’m always with you my love. All you have to do is think of me, then I will appear in front on you and stay by your side.

-kisses your lips tenderly
I love you baby! 

The End

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