Dying once more

My eyelids were as heavy as the world alone. The only thing that moved to the small breeze which went through the suddenly opened door of the carriage were my eyelashes. I was sitting near my journey companion and was leaning on his shoulder while he was holding me.
It was probably the safest spot in the whole world, where my tired eyes could find some rest. I could feel his heart beating faster as the breeze came and it was the heart which woke me up.
He took me by the shoulders and kissed the small wrinkles in the corners of my eyes, which appeared there just a second before I opened them, still intoxicated by the restless sleep.
He was my knight, which protected me and kept everything bad away from me.

What I saw was more then I could take..
The carriage stopped by then. I saw a face in the open door which was looking at me.. Marks of the tears were untouched by the strong wind outside.
Everything stopped.. even the time….
I could see his hand reaching toward me very slowly and trembling. Or was that me who was trembling?
I could feel every cell of my body giving up and leaving me just alive because there were few blood drops left which felt like living.
The rest of me was frozen.

Like in a dream I reached and grabbed his hand. I wanted to be sure that it is true. The same warmth shot through my veins, like it always did as he touched me.
For a moment I forgot where I was.
I could see his eyes and in them all the beautiful moments we spent together.
His voice asked me why I left…. the dream stopped.
-” But you left me. You told me that we have no future, and that u don’t see us together. You just walked away and left me alone… ignored my cries for so long…”
I could see the ugly truth… I was so afraid. If it happens again, I would just die. But.. I could feel my open wound burn. My heart was by him and it was still alive.
Maybe he stabbed into my chest with that knife which was meant to protect me but he took care of my heart.

I was caught in the moment again. Something teared inside me and left a loud scream out. I bit on my hand to try to suffocate it, but it didn’t want to stop there.
The scream went through my bones and they were shaking of the sudden force of it.

The carriage driver appeared and asked: “Miss… will you stay with us?”
I looked at my love’s eyes. They were full of pain. Then I looked at my mate whose heart was still beating against mine.
I could see us near the small house, surrounded by green fields, full of life. His arms around me, just like now. His tender smile answered to my smile, captivated in pain.
That’s when I felt another sting.
In his eyes I saw all the silence I was hoping to find once. My love was holing me on one hand, my mate on the other as they helped me get out of the carriage.
My feet were like frozen together with the stone ground and I couldn’t make a single step.

They both looked at me… and I .. I looked at the carriage… at it’s bloody trails.. at my cold burnt skin on my lifeless hands…

My tears started running again. It was just a moment of shock as they stopped and now they drained last of my life out of my eyes.
I so wanted to turn around and run into that carriage but my heart pulled me toward the one that loved me so long.
I wanted to hug my knight and stay in his arms but something didn’t want to let me.

He looked into my eyes, hugged me tight and whispered into my ear: “It is all right lover, maybe it is how it should be.” I could hear something breaking in his pleasant voice but he just pressed his lips together and kissed my neck slightly. He run his fingers through my hair and over my shoulders. Then he pulled me closer once more and gave me a kiss.
“I’ll miss you my knight. I will come and visit you… I know the way there… just need to follow the moonlit forest path.” I tried to smile but it turned into a waterfall of tears.
Who gave me the right to hurt him like this?
- “Yes… you know the way.. I’ll always be there…”
Then he turned around and walked to the carriage.
I run after him and hugged him once more through the open window and then I could just see the red trails on the frozen ground.

I turned around and saw my prince, still standing there and looking at me.
He came closer and closed his arms around me… :”Please, don’t you ever leave me. You’re the one I’ll fight for”
His voice was promising me something I could hardly imagine.. After all.. he was talking about future, and I never felt like I have a future before I met him.
His warm body was making the day less dark and cold. I stopped shivering as he took my hand and was leading me home.
But with every step I could feel something burn deep inside my soul. I knew that those are the tears my knight was hiding in the silence of the carriage, mourning over my betrayal.

If I could live with that?
I didn’t know… I wished that I died in the moment as the carriage stopped.. but I wasn’t that lucky.
My prince stopped and looked into my eyes. He kissed me and whispered that everything will be all right and that he understands why everything happened.
I was connected to him by all those precious moments we had together. He was my soulmate, I knew that he will understand. But I also knew that whatever choice I had made I would have regreted it very much.
There was no way back..

We entered the cold room. I remembered the echoes of my steps through that very room and something cold pressed my heart together. But he took my hand and leaded me into another room. It was well lit and warm. Maybe.. I’ll feel at home again…
I went to the small desk, and started writing a letter to my knight.
Even tho we’re apart, our lifes were too similar to let us forget about each other. He was like a friendly shadow, guarding over me… and I knew that behind his silent eyes he always will worry.

It was the evening already as I finally finished the letter.
I sent it and as I closed the door after the courier left I could feel that calmness again, which always surrounded me when I was around him.

It was late and I sat in my armchair. I was too exhausted to do anything else but sleep. Wish that I could lay down on someone’s lap and listen to him whispering calming words to me. My prince came closer, hugged me close and kissed my lips once more…
“Welcome back baby…” was all I heard before I fell asleep. I could feel him taking a place near me, holding me close and putting a blanket around us…
Then the night fell and the world seemed to forget everything that happened that day… at least till the morning comes….

The End

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