Journal Entry 43.
Today marks the eighth month, twentieth day that I have been pregnant. Five months since I was forced to flee from my lord's house due to his threats and my shame. I have gone from a decent life to being an outcast.
I followed order after order. I know that my kind, the Sabith, are considered inferior to all others. We are the lower race whose only existence is to serve our betters, the Lazuli and Korano.
I was lucky.I was made a servant in the house of a wealthy and very kind Korano. He freed me from the slavers when I was only a small boy. I had been a slave for 3 years by then and I was barely a seaweed of a boy, half starved with legs crisscrossed with scars from the slavers whips. He seemed like an angel to me with his long gray hair and his large belly laugh. He gave me a warm place to sleep, with food to eat.I was allowed leisure time and I was taught how to read.Those years were the best times of my life.
The lord treated me and others of my kind well, so long as we were able to get our work done correctly and did exactly as he said. For the first time in a long time I was happy and I didn't fear the night.
Then the unthinkable happened. I was assigned as a servant to the lord’s son,Malus. He was a large fellow, with muscles thicker than paving stones. His body had so many tattoos that you could barely see his blue skin. All the servants were terrified of him.He was a contrast to everything that was good about his father. He was dismissive, rude, spiteful and tortured any servant that came within his reach.
My lord sent me to him as a present, for his coming out to high society. I was put in a beautiful box with green diamonds bracing the edges.I popped out at the end of the celebration to great acclaim of the crowd.I can sill remember how he intensively he stared at me as I was twirling around to the delight of his father.
He thought the pretty Sabith with the navy blue hair and soft light blue skin would keep him entertained . From the start I think he found me fascinating. I could withstand his brutal beatings without flinching or crying . I would look him in the eye, during every punishment. My pride refused to be beaten down by him.
My defiance only aroused him . He became possessive and wouldn't allow me out of his sight. I would notice him staring at me while I bathed in the servants' public bath. He would force me to undress in front of him, so he could trace the scars that he "designed" on me. He was enamored of me.One day he went to far..he raped me.
It was the first time but not the last.He feared someone would learn of his sin. I could tell no one what was happening to me. I feared being thrown out into the murky waters to fend for myself or worse. So I acted dutifully, with all my “Yes, my lord,” ”I love you, my lord.” I pushed my head down hoping the storm would pass me by, that he would find someone else to torment with his strange cruelty. If only I wasn’t so foolish.
At night he would deluge me with his requests. Do this, do that, touch me there and lie like this.I hated him and how I wish I could have been able to escape before the bastard got me pregnant.
I can write, and write, but that does not change what happened. That doesn’t make the shame, or the guilt disappear.
When my lord found out that I was with child, his sons child nonetheless, he was furious. He questioned his son, who claimed that I was the one who forced it! ME, force HIM! Impossible! How could I force anyone to do anything, the weakest and oldest females would beat me up. Even so, my lord believed him, and set out to kill me.
Now I am stuck in hiding, living with a woman old enough to be my grandmother,and her young daughter who has something wrong with her mind.
I set my pen down as I heard someone arguing outside. That was an odd habit of Zivla’s,arguing with herself, one that I could never make sense of.
I sighed, and ran a hand back through my hair, ruffling it slightly so that it spiked up. I stood slowly, resting my great weight against the desk, pausing until my head stopped spinning, before making my way outside.
Walking had become a a great deal harder with my huge belly weighing me down. “So, Zivla, who is winning the argument this time?”,said I.
Zivla said “Back inside with you Rojahn. You are supposed to be resting, not up and about. Momma said so, that child could come at any moment. You might not consider that a good thing, but we do."
“As for who is winning, I am, of course.”
“It is hard to lose an argument with oneself,” I said. Letting my eyes wander over the area. Far above, I could see the barrier between the house and the wild waters. I noticed a large group of jellyfish swimming around, just touching the barrier, before recoiling from it. It was a common sight, one that was seen by the hour, in one place or another.
Rojahn said,“Zivla, I’m tired of being stuck inside. I need to get out, and walk around some, maybe even go for a swim. A short one, of course. I am tired of being stuck in one place.”
“Being stuck in one place is the one thing keeping you safe right now,” Zivla countered. “If our lord discovers where you are, your head will be on my table. We both know that"
I sighed, “I know that Still, a short walk around the house isn’t going to hurt anything, is it?”
“It might kill your back,” Zivla retorted.
I rolled my eyes, before starting to walk slowly around the house, ignoring her protests. We lived in a small house outside the city of Krakua and the view was beautiful.I felt like I had to stretch my legs, and that if I stayed inside any longer I would bite someone's head off.
I moved along the raised path slowly, taking in deep breaths of the earthy scent from the garden and the salty air surrounding it.The garden was beautiful in the summer time but now it was dormant waiting for the end of fall to bloom again. It was always refreshing, to just pause and take time to breath. I sat down and rested my hand on my protruding belly.I felt the slightest twinge as my baby kicked out at me.
Would it be a girl, or a boy ? What would I name it? Should I name it?Would it be healthy?Do I want it to be healthy? Would I be able to care for it, or should I just leave it at the orphanages steps?Should I do the unthinkable and end it's life?
I had no way to care for a child, had no way to fend for myself. I couldn't stay here much longer, I was unwilling to keep the two women at risk.
I had no way out of it though. Right now, I had to stay. I would just have to wait, until the child came, then see from there.