This next piece of writing isn’t very funny, I apologise. I have grown up reading books, although as of late I haven’t allowed myself to read an awful lot, partly because I’m one of those tortured geniuses who are repressed by ADHD, and partly because I’m a lazy sod. However, despite this recent betrayal to the great authors of the world, I still hold within me a distinct hatred towards those School, college and university courses that require students to pick apart and analyse some of the best books ever written.
This is of course the reason why so many students hate such great writers as Shakespeare, Malone, Bronte and Dickens, who I am sure would be rolling in their graves if they knew what schools worldwide were doing. Perhaps if they were given the chance to read the works of these authors at their own pace instead of being forced to massacre them with literary analysis, they would find a love for the texts that has otherwise been withheld from them.
Hypocritically however I am one of those students forced to take part in these organised killings, however I do my best to try and appreciate the text I am reading before I set about murdering it. I was once asked by a teacher to analyse a text I had written, I was asked why I had chosen to add a particularly descriptive and eloquent phrase into the text, the phrase in question wasn’t particularly necessary, I could have added something more mediocre, the teacher believed that I had added this phrase to create sympathy for the character, I turned to the teacher and said “No, it sounded good” This I believe, hand on heart, is , with the exception of one or two, what every other writer we analyse in class would have also said.
I am, apparently, a writer myself, so if one day in the future I became one of these authors whose great writings are put through this, I promise, on behalf of all writers before me that I will hunt down those responsible. I will punish them in the worst possible way I can with a book, that’s right, violence is the solution.