Daddy Lies to MeMature

The diary entries of a husband, a wife and their child about a rather unusual Christmas night.

Dear diary,

kids need to believe the world is full of magic and wonder. So this Christmas, I became Santa. I let out my best "ho ho ho" and strolled into the living room with my red sack of gifts. I was so confident of my acting skills I actually decided not to wear the beard, and my daughter was fooled. She asked, "Santa, where is your beard?" to which I answered, "Oh, I decided to shave it off, it was getting so long I kept tripping on it!"

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deer diary,

tooday i was in the TV room waching TV and daddy apeared wearing a santa costume and telling me he was santa. i said if your santa where is you're beard. daddy was quiet. then he said santa decided to shave becuz the beard was geting to long and he was tripping on it.

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Dear Diary,

Today the bag of stupid that I married decided to disguise himself as Santa to surprise Abby. I watched the fucking idiot grinning as he filled a red plastic bag with socks and stuffed Abby's present as far down as he could. I decided not to point out he'd forgotten the beard, so he let out a "ho ho ho" -- failing to get even that right -- and walked into the living room. Abby, who miraculously did not inherit his brainlessness, said "If you're Santa, where is your beard?", at which point Steve froze, because he can't think and do anything else at the same time, and after five seconds or so the best he could come up with was "I... decided to... shave it off, yes, shave it off, because I kept tripping on it! Hahaha! I mean, hohoho! On my beard! Can you believe that?!"

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I sat on an armchair and said, "I need to know if you've been a good girl this year." Abby, so innocent, replied with eyes full of childlike wonder, "But you live with me!" She thinks Santa lives in her house! I told her that no, I live in the North Pole with my magical elves.

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daddy sat and said i need to now if youve ben a good girl this year and i said but you live wit me and he said no i dont i am santa

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The jackass sat down and said, "I need to know if you've been a good girl this year." Abby arched an eyebrow and said, "But you live with me." Which again proved too much for Steve to handle. "Wh -- what do you mean? I am Santa! I live in... in Alaska with my dwarves."

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I set the sack of presents on the floor and said, "I have a present for you if you've been a good girl," and Abby, probably thinking of her auntie's terrible Christmas gifts, said, "I don't want socks!" I let out another "ho ho ho" and said, "Don't worry, I have no socks here. You have to be really bad to get socks!" Funny thing is, I had filled the bag with socks!

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daddy showd me a bag and said i have a present for you here if youve been a good girl and i said but i dont want socks and he looked at the bag and at me and at the bag and said but i dont have any socks daddy lies to me

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The stupid bastard didn't notice it was a translucent plastic bag, so when he showed it to Abby she was terrified. He said, "I have a present for you if you've been a good girl." She said, "But I don't want socks." Steve looked at the bag, let out what he thought was a chuckle but actually sounded like someone being throttled, and actually said, "There's no socks here."

married this man.

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I said, "I've been talking to your daddy. He says you've been good, but I need to be sure. So I need you to tell me what a good girl you are." And Abby said, "But you're my daddy!". I was so filled with emotion a tear almost slid down my cheek. She wants Santa to be her daddy! What kid doesn't, really. I smiled and said, "No, no. I just look a lot like your daddy."

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daddy said ive been talking to youre daddy and he says youve ben good but i need to be sure so tell me wat a good girl you are. i said but your my daddy and he got upset and said no you're daddy is you're daddy i just look a lot like you're daddy. daddy keps lying to me

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The imbecile said, "I've been talking to your daddy" -- I swear to God he said that -- "and he says you've been good, but I need to be sure, so I need you to..." and he started to wonder what a good test might be. "I need you to tell me what a good girl you are." Wow. Abby, of course, said, "But you're my daddy!" and Steve immediately started to cry. "I'm not your daddy. Santa is not your daddy. Your daddy is your daddy and he loves you very much. I just look a lot like your daddy, goddamnit."

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I pulled her present out of the sack and said, "I can see you're a good girl! Here is your present!" She stared at me with wide teary eyes, and said, "But... you're my daddy!" I let out a "ho ho ho" and said, "I love all nice kids as if they were my kids. Until next Christmas, my dear! Be good!" and I took my sack of presents and went back into the bedroom.

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daddy put his hand in the plastic bag and showd me a present. he said i can see your a good girl so here is you're present. i said thank you daddy. daddy got very upset and i didt undertand wat he said

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The dipshit fumbled with the sack until he found the present, spilling out several supposedly nonexistent socks in the process. He showed her the present, which he'd wrapped himself and thus it looked like the origami of an explosion, and said, "You know what? I can see you're a good girl, so here's your present. Here you go." Abby took the present in her little hands and said, "Thank you, daddy."

"I AM NOT YOUR DADDY! I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING DADDY! I AM SANTA! MY FLYING ANTELOPES ARE WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE! YOUR DADDY IS STEVE DONAHUE AND HE GODDAMN LOVES YOU! I AM JUST A FOLKING STUPID FUCK MYTH!"

And he stormed back into the bedroom.

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I came back to the room dressed normally, put on my best innocent expression and said, "So! Did Santa visit you guys?" Abby said, "Yes!". This time I couldn't hold back the tears and I hugged her.

Mission accomplished!

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daddy came back with his normal clothes but he kept the boots and he asked so did santa visit you guys. mommy looked at me in a very strange way so i said yes and daddy hugged me.

what the fuck

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Steve came back, having forgotten to take out the boots, and yelled in a desperate display of enthusiasm, "So did Santa visit you guys?!" I concentrated every fiber of my being on hardstaring the word "yes" directly into Abby's brain and it worked. Steve started crying again and hugged her.

Then he took me into the bedroom, sat down on the bed with me and said, "I know things haven't been... that great between us. Maybe we need some time apart. So, based on that... the captain gave me a job and I decided to take it."

"What job?"

"I'm going undercover in the Mafia."

The End

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