At times, I would stop to reflect on things. I was having more sex and varied sex than I EVER had when I thought I was straight, even in my marriage. I was more in demand and more self-confident (at least on the sex front) at fifty than I was at twenty-five. I still have all the sex I want, whenever I want it. But not love. Never love. I don't think I'm capable of that anymore. I can't trust, so I can't love. Except my kids. I do love my kids.
Still, the circle of lovers kept expanding outward. Others I'd met at the Fetish Fair began contacting me. At one point, I was involved with three married couples in addition to the lady on a leash and her husband, two gay couples, the two women I was dating and the occasional male hookups.
I did try to settle in with just one of the women I was dating - Angela. She - and all the others - knew about each other. She was the one I was most attracted to on a romantic level. And though she knew about the others, she wasn't all that happy about it.
But, ironically - when I started spending more time with her and told most of the others that I would be out of circulation while I worked on my relationship with Angela - she started to withdraw. She dumped me on New Year's Eve, telling me that she didn't want it to get this serious and that she was feeling "smothered".
So - after that...and after the depression it brought on, I determined that there would be no more attempts at real romance. I contacted the other lovers and let them know I wanted to get back together if they were willing. Karen was reluctant and I can't blame her. I'd had to choose between her and Angela as a primary relationship and I had chosen Angela. But she did want to remain friends, so we still hang out. Every now and again, we'd have sex - but only if she initiated. I didn't want to pressure her at all.
The leash lady and her husband - Lisa and Bill (...to this day, when I fuck her and I'm coming, I sometimes call out her name as "Leasha!") welcomed me back enthusiastically. Darlene and George as well. It took a while of rebuilding trust with Marie and Anton, Susan and Jim and Steve and Jason. But they all eventually welcomed me back into their bedrooms, playrooms, dungeons, rooftops and hot tubs.