"Sarah! What did I--" Josh stuttered, I looked at him with the most cutting glare I could manage,
"Just go ok? Just... just leave me alone," I cut him off and turned away to hide the pain in my eyes; I shoved my belongings into my locker and hoped he'd leave before I had to turn back round. I heard him breathe in,
"Alright...if you ever change your mind...you know where to find me I guess..." he trailed off, my heart seemed to stutter and then stop and all of a sudden I wanted to turn round and wrap my arms around his neck. But I knew if I did, and I was seen, my future would rapidly change. I heard his footsteps plod off and I rested my head against my locker, the cold metal penetrated my skin and seemed to go to my brain. I momentarily forgot the pain in my heart, it rushed back all of a sudden and I leaned away from the locker, I bumped my head against it again hoping physical pain would help me forget. I repeated the movement, slamming my head again and again on the metal door.
"Excuse me, could you go to your next lesson now please?" a teacher asked pulling my shoulder away, I picked up my books and hurried away. I sank into my seat in politics and didn't say anything the whole lesson, as I walked out the class, Mrs Pierson asked me to come to her desk.
"You were quiet this lesson," she stated,
"I have a lot on my mind," I muttered, she smiled kindly,
"I got an email from a member of staff, they said they had to stop you hitting your head against...a locker was it?" she glanced back at the computer for confirmation, I groaned,
"I was upset," I told her, "annoyed,"
"I'm going to have to send you to the school therapist,"
"A shrink?" I stuttered,
"I think it will help, I've made an appointment which you'll take once a week on Tuesday lunchtimes until Miss Martin feels otherwise," she handed me a slip and I snatched it off her,
"Thanks," I said acidly, I didn't need to see a shrink, I had my life sorted out perfectly - it just wasn't the way I wanted it. I was fuming by the time I got out of school and into work; I cleaned the floor with such force it was sparkling by the time I'd finished. I leaned back on the mop exhausted and feeling a little better. I slept rough again that night in between a dumpster and a brick wall behind a restaurant, my clothes were beginning to smell a little off and I knew I soon needed to fork out some money to clean them. I ignored Josh all through school the next day, but it was so much harder trying not to see someone - he seemed to pop up everywhere.
I felt relieved when I got into work and happy that I could work in the gym today, at 3:30 the door opened and two teenage boys walked in, I ducked behind a weights machine and groaned, he was here. I waited in my position as the boys began to use the running machines and ducked out the door so fast there was no way they'd have seen me, I went to the desk,
"Can I do some cleaning today?" I asked, Trudy, the receptionist, raised an eyebrow,
"You hate cleaning,"
I smiled sweetly, "Please?" she smiled and pointed at the cupboard; I disappeared into the female shower rooms and immersed myself in cleaning hard. That night I took a shower, cleaned my clothes at the dry cleaners and bought myself a sandwich, once I'd splashed out I ventured far out into Beverly Hills and feeling gutsy I slept on a bench in someone's large gazebo.
It was Tuesday lunchtime when I remembered my appointment, I sighed in relief as I realized that at least Josh wouldn't be around. I shut myself inside the office and sat on the chair opposite Miss Martin,
"My name's Hannah," she smiled and shook my hand,
"I know who you are," she held my file, "I also know you live with your foster mother in Downtown Los Angeles, you have a brother called Thomas and usually hit As in your report cards," she smiled, "but I'm not going to read your file to you, you know it all anyways," I smiled but swallowed, what if what I said didn't match with my file? I'd have to be careful... "So tell me why you think you're here,"
"I'm here because someone caught me hitting my head against a locker," I smiled at the sound of it,
"We may as well get straight into it," she smiled; I already liked her, "why were you hitting yourself against a locker?"
"I was frustrated with myself for letting something happen, although, it was out of my control,"
"Riiight..." she smiled again, "going to elaborate?"
"If I do," I began carefully, "it will be even more out of control and you'll ruin everything," Hannah narrowed her eye confused,
"If I promise I won't?"
"You'll have to," I told her, "it's your job to report things and stuff," I sighed slowly realizing I'd said too much,
"It must be bad if you think I need to report it," she said slowly bringing out some paper, I stood up and scowled at her - I knew she was doing her job but I didn't trust her anymore than I did anyone. I went to the door,
"Look, it's all okay now," I told her, "I promise," she didn't look convinced but she let me leave and I rushed into the bathroom as I saw Josh coming from the other direction.