Maybe it was because they didn’t care which made it all hurt so much, the look on his woman’s face as I lay writhing in agony on the floor haunts me to this day. I had tried in vain to crawl into the bathroom, away from those penetrating blue eyes yet another part of my mind, more then likely the rational part, thought she might help me some how and I asked her for it, God did I ask her, I cried it out as my brother, her boyfriend lay in the bedroom preparing to go back to sleep. The whole household did, they slept as I prepared myself for death as I screamed for it.
I can’t help but wonder if my life was leading up to that moment, that moment when I knew I could do it, when I knew I could take a bottle of pills and end it all.
I had hoped it would be peaceful, I had hoped it would be like going to sleep and finally the torture could end, to other people, to people a lot worse off then I was I suppose my life looked like a walk in the park but they didn’t know what was festering inside me. A dark rolling depression that threatened to take over my life, I call it that, my darkness because that’s how I perceived my life, it was all black and white.
I pushed a lot of stomach acid out of my body in that little bathroom, I laid my head on that cool porcelain for hours and let the filth pour out of me, I laugh about it now because I was scared. It had started off with me popping each little pill into my mouth and it was an almost serene act almost poetic to me that I should feel so calm and cool. The lovely part about it was that I could think clearly for the first time in months and I knew in my heart and in my mind that what I was doing was right, the little voice in my head that usually tells me when I’m being a fool laughed, slapped his thigh and said:
“Golly Gee Whiz Miss but that’s the best damned idea you’ve come up with in a dogs age!”
I lay back after popping each little pill and placed the bottle of crappy booze on my stomach, closed my eyes and waited, every now and then I would crane my neck up for a swig waiting for my body to tire out and just stop. I could hear the household shagging around me and I huffed to myself and my little voice said:
“Honestly, where’s the consideration? Here’s you doin’ the world a favour and all they can think about is fucking!”
And I laughed and I agreed, it took a while let me tell you reader, why I even went for a jaunt around the block, in the middle of the night, in my pyjamas just to see if I could work the stuff through any quicker.
By the time I got home I was sweating and my body was shaking, the curious little voice even said:
“Well what is this? These cramps can’t be right! Read the label girl, are you sure those were the right pills?”
And then the pain started.
Oh I wailed, I called out, I puked right there on the floor, the mulch landed straight on the carpet along with me, who was too weak to even stand by then! Dear reader, I’m pretty grateful not to have died then, what with my face in puke? Very undignified! My brother, my dear oldest brother, sworn by God to protect me, saw me in disgust and turned away, I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, not to this day. He was annoyed. Not angry or even hurt but annoyed. He was in the middle of working over his girlfriend and I had accidentally interrupted.
He in no terms told me I was being stupid and that in the next week I had better find myself a new home as I was pretty much a complication he didn’t need. He turned on his heel and walked away from me and I like a dog covered in puke crawled slowly to the bathroom to deposit the pills, booze and stomach acid into the toilet.
No don’t click this page away! If by some miracle somebody has committed this to paper do not throw it in the trash, this is not just some drivel about a poor manic-depressive who has lost her way, for the reason I have started with this night is because this was the night something changed. This was the night when somebody came to visit me and suddenly clicked on a light in my head and changed my black and white into colour and it all began in that dingy bathroom.
“Do you still think your going to die?”
I strained my face upward; I couldn’t see. The tears in my eyes had blurred the light so that it seemed brighter. Everything was out of focus. What the hell was happening to me?
I think I said: “Wha-?” Before throwing my head back into the toilet and pushing some more of the vile tasting crap out.
“Well if you do I don’t think your brother is going to be to happy about it, seems he has work in the morning”
I knew what was happening to my body, I knew it was saving itself, but the shock of this moment, the shock of this stranger’s mellow voice floating into me must have made my body pause for I was able to sit up slightly from the bowl without the pain and I was able to speak without vomiting: “Who the fuck are you”
My head spun and I fell backwards, the light was in my eyes and it made me wince and almost cry out, I quickly wiped a hand across them and blinked a few times and there he was, sat on the edge of my bath looking down at me.