“Go see why she is crying!”
“No, you made her cry you go!”
“It is your daughter! You go!”
This is what I had to listen to on a dark, stormy thanksgiving night in Seattle Washington. The screams of my guardians seeing which one has to check on me. I have already stained the sheets with this bright red liquid pouring out of my arm. I have a little bag of coke sitting next to me, and it’s screaming my name. Forget, I am done trying. I grab the bag and pour it out on my desk. I take my straw that I haven’t used in months and snort the lines. I am lost with nowhere to go except down.
I text my sister Jade “I am sorry, I can’t do this anymore I am done so good bye forever” I get the bleeding to stop, go to my father’s room and get his gun. It was far too easy to sneak out with all the bickering to mask the click of the lock.
When I get to the yard my phone goes off. It is jade. Answer and I’m bombarded with questions, “what do you mean good bye forever?”
“I am pretty sure you already know considering I can tell you are failing at holding back your tears.” I said avoiding to tell my true intentions.
With a shaky voice Jade pleads with me, “Don’t do this. God has a better plan for you than this. Believe in him and you will be fine.”
“I am tired of living my life barely existing because my mom beats the shit out of me. It is not fair to me and it is not fair to those that actually care!”
“Ending your life is a permanent decision for a temporary situation. Please don’t do this.”
With tears stinging my eyes I say the only thing I can, “I have to.”
The next thing I see is Jade in my peripheral vision. “Jade what the hell are you doing here?”
“Saving you from making your biggest mistake, I put up with you cutting and I know you are high off God knows what, I can’t change that either of those but I can stop this."
I change my thoughts from puzzled to piss off. Pissed off at my mom for making I feel like this, pissed at Jade for ruining my plans and I take it all out on here. “Did you ever think that maybe I want to die!? That I do want to die!” I said pulling back the hammer of the gun and putting it to my temple.
“If you were serious about killing yourself you wouldn’t have answered your phone.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, that if you really wanted to kill yourself you would be dead already. You wouldn’t have answered your phone, and you wouldn’t be having this conversation.” She said taking a step forward.
“Stop! If you come any closer, I’ll shoot,” I said turning the gun on her.
“Are you really going to shoot me? Your own sister?” Jade said as she froze and put her hands in the air.
Jade lunges for the gun and time froze as a single shot rang. Seeing Jade fall to the ground was in slow motion.
“Sissy! I am so sorry!” I yelled dialing 9-1-1.
“9-1-1 what is your emergency?”
“My sister has just been shot. I am in the yard of 3415 Mountain lane.”
“I don’t know. We were in the yard talking when we heard a shot fired and Jade fell to the ground.” I couldn’t tell the truth, I can’t get in trouble.
“Are the paramedics there yet?”
“Ok I am going to disconnect now.”
The paramedics storm the yard like paratroopers hitting the beaches of Normandy. “Where is the alcohol swab?” the tall, tan paramedic yells. “Over here!” the short fat one yells back.
“I am not leaving her.” I tell them as they load here on the ambulance.
Without looking back at me the fat one says, “Fine, just stay out of the way!”
As we raced to the hospital the paramedics got most of the bleeding to stop and bandage her up the best they could. “She is going to need immediate surgery.” One of them says but I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or not.
I was barely coherent, I was too busy in self-thoughts, and her parents are going to hate me. How am I going to explain this? At least my parents won’t notice I’m gone.
When we got to the hospital I stayed back to fill out paperwork, while Jade was wheeled off to surgery.
“Are Jade’s parents on their way?”
“No, but I can call them.”
“You need to do that. In your paperwork you say that you are sisters?”
I had to think fast, do I lie? Or tell the truth? If I tell them we are just friends they won’t tell me anything. “Yes, our real parents died in a car crash and we were put into a group home. When we were adopted we were separated but we stayed in touch.” I found myself in a lie, once again.
“Ok, you can go sit down, we will let you know if we find anything out on your sister.”
“Ok, thank you.” I walk outside to make the hardest call I have ever made, the one telling Jade’s mom the truth, something I haven’t done in years, that I was the one that shot Jade.
“Hi Miss Gina, I have to tell you something, but it is kinda hard to explain.”
“Just tell me what happened,” she said staying surprisingly calm.
“Jade is in the hospital.”
Here come the fireworks, “What, why?”
“It’s hard to explain over the phone. I will explain everything when you get here.”
“I will be there soon.”
“Ok,” I said into an already dead line. I slowly walk inside still trying to find the words to say to Gina. I walk up to the nurse’s station. Where a way to perky nurse says, “Hi, how can I help you?”
“Is there any word on Jade?”
“I’m sorry, who?”
“Jade Smith, she was taken to surgery due to a bullet wound to the stomach. Is there anything new you can tell me?”
“No, I’m sorry, I will have someone inform you as soon as we know anything.”
“Thank you,” I said walking away. As I look up Gina is walking through the double doors of the hospital. “Now tell me what happened?”
“Well, umm… I went to kill myself and before I did I texted Jade-“
“I know all this already, why is my daughter in the hospital?”
“when she got to my house, she tried to talk me into putting the gun down, when I refused she tried to take it out of my hand and the gun misfired and shot her in the stomach,” I said in a rush before letting my tears fall, “I am so sorry I never meant for her to get hurt.”
“It’s ok. She will be fine. Everything will be ok,” she said wrapping me in a hug.
“You hate me, don’t you?”
“No honey, it was an accident. But I have to ask, why did you want to kill yourself?”
I can’t tell her the truth, once again I find myself in a lie, “my mom got drunk and told me that she never loved me and told me that I was a mistake. I got upset and tried to kill myself.”
“Family of Jade Smith?” A nurse calls from the doorway.
“Yes,” Gina and I say simultaneously as we stand and walk to the door.
“Jade is doing well, she is out of surgery and in a room. You can go see her now if you’d like to.”
“Yes, please,” Gina answers.
We allow the nurse to lead us down a maze of hallways, my mind is now able to continue going a hundred miles an hour “are my parents even worried about me? Where I am? Who I am with? What I am doing? Probably not.”
This morning is how it is every morning this time of year; dark and stormy. A light thunder rolls as a flash of lightening illuminates the room.
“Sis?” Jade calls from the bed.
“I am right here,” I say as I slowly walk to the bed, she looks so fragile, I am scared to touch her.
“Is my mom here?”
“I’m here, how are you?”
“I am fine mom.”
“Sissy, I am so-“
“Don’t say it, it was an accident, right mom?” she says giving her mom of look, almost saying that she better agree.
“Yeah, we all should be thankful that this wasn’t worse than it already is,” Gina says trying to relieve some of my pressure but, it’s not helping.
Now that I know Jade is okay I can go home now, “I better get home before my parents freak out.”
“Do you need a ride?” Gina asks.
“No, I will walk, it’s not that far, thanks though.” I don’t feel like dealing with the awkward silence.
“Love you sis,” Jade calls.
“Love you too Jade.”