Sometime the idea comes into my head that maybe i should confess, tell everybody i lied about this or that, say sorry, but I'm not, and anyway i see no point, i wont stop anyway.
Everyone lies, i just happen to lie more often, and about everything. I was probably raised to believe lying is bad, lying is wrong, and that I shouldn't do it, but honestly I don't remember, or it could have never happened, i was not raised to be cruel,or vicious as some of you might think. It may have been unconsciously done,could have started off as me simply being rebellious to society in any way possible.
That dos'nt seem right though.
You see when i was very young i figured out what the world was like, that it wasnt ever made of rainbows and sunshine. That it was actually a dark lonely place full of hurt and painful memories. And only if your really lucky will you find happiness here in this terrible place. I was knew i would never be one of those people, at the time it was just a fleeting thought, a little feeling.
Then it became true, i didnt know how to find happiness, i didnt know how to survive, i didnt know what i could do to find myself in all this 'jumbled mess we call life'.I didnt know how to be me, how to love, how to just be ok. So i started lying, to everyone-about everything. I created a new person, a new identity, one that was capable of love and being loved.
The question has always haunted me, always had me wondering, dreding. The question is can someone love me once they know the real me, once they know what my soul is like, the darkness that thrives there. And once they see that, can they ever see the light. Its there-hidden beneath it all.
I lie to keep this from happening, for them to not see the darkness so i show them a fake light, one they want to see, but the thing is, everyone does it.So what makes me so different from you? Nothing. Apsolutly nothing. And everything.
When you don't know what to do
When you are afriad
When you want something
When you need something
When you want to be liked
When you want to be loved
When you just want to fit in
The list goes on and on, but ultimetly this is life, these lies make you who you are on the inside and out. Simple white lies create little aspects of who you are. But those white lies can grow, they can multiply and merge with each other. And together they can take over your life, they can consume you. And once they catch on to you-they never. ever. let. go.