Crying won't get me anywhere

I suddenly realised that it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon; the sky was grey with the misty presence of the cold white fog. I was lying on my bed. Sitting up I suddenly realise where I was and everything around me. Thump! My copy of Jane Eyre fell on the floor. I thought I had lost my place but I really couldn’t care less. Right now I was feeling very funny; it was as if I had just woken up from a deep sleep. It was as if all of the bad memories were gone, for a second anyway. Then they all came flooding back.

                There was a sticky patch of what looked like tears streamed down my face. I didn’t know where they had come from until now and to be honest I really didn’t want to remember. The moment I stood up I felt my head expand, my eyes were covered by a hazy darkness and what seemed to cross through my ears was the sound of a roaring car. The next second I found that I was lying on my bed again this time the tears were a little stickier than before. I looked at the clock and found that only thirty seconds had passed since that had happened, I could have sworn it had felt longer.

                When I got up off my bed I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror expressionless. There was a boy staring back at me the one that I thought was me, the truth is that I really don’t know what I am anymore. This could just be sudden realisation that once you have made a mistake that’s it your life is over, it was only one stupid mistake, how was I supposed to know it would lead to me believing I am not worth the life I live now. My eyes were green with the slightest traces of tiredness around them. I had never stayed up extremely late before; I did however stay up 36 hours but fell asleep in my sister’s house. When she woke me up she seemed to be angry, it was only because we were going to my aunties, and besides last night I don’t think I could ever stay up past ten o’clock ever again. My hair was dark brown and short and right after I had finished spiking it up with the hair gel that was in the cupboard I heard the ring tune of my phone.

                “Hello” I answered. It was my sister wondering when I was going to visit my new niece. Since I said I would come to her house at twelve I had reason enough to believe she was worried. I answered her call and told her that I was on my way.


I walked through the neighbourhood which always seemed to have a dark presence; it was as if someone was watching me. I have never mistrusted my intuition before and I don’t plan on it, although there was one time that I did and that was when this whole problem started. I’ve always believed that I had some psychic power but other people told me it was stupid, I still believe in psychic powers because things have happened to me before, things I can’t explain.

                I was just walking past the corner shop when I noticed the three usual boys in their grey sweat pants. One was wearing all grey; the other was wearing a plain white t-shirt and was almost bald. The third was wearing a black hooded jacket.

                “Hey where are you going queer boy” the big one in all gray laughed, the one with the black hooded jacket pouted at me, but I ignored it and carried on.

                “Don’t you ignore me you little fag” he said. I could see the resentment in his eyes but I ignored it. It never bothered me how people were so cruel, even the elderly could be and I knew it was something in my voice, something in my eyes. My voice was far too soft, even for the most overly gay person, but I wasn’t overly gay, I was just me. It reminded me of a situation with my best friend.

                Stephanie was shorter than me and always commented on it. Her hair was blonde and her eyes were blue. There was a point where I didn’t want her to be my friend anymore but she insisted that she was going to be a better friend. It was one of the reasons I have these secrets to keep, if only she knew that. Stephanie had been following me around college not giving me room to breathe. Maybe that’s what your soul mate is supposed to do. Nope, I don’t think my soul mate would smother me the way Stephanie did. The problems came when all she wanted to do was moan. First she would moan because her other best friend Emily was obsessed with Take That but still she insisted in telling me every little plan that she had for her barlowen story. I didn’t even like Take That. She always constantly insisted that my opinions were inferior to hers and she still insists that all the men that I fancy are rat faced. The problem now was that Stephanie wanted me to join her in work; I was starting tomorrow so I had to be up early and I had to wear black trousers, something I hadn’t wore since high school.

                The people seemed nice, the very first day I had my induction and I met this boy with short brown hair and brown eyes, his name was Stanley and he gave me reason to fight my nervousness.


I stayed for a long while at my sisters and my newborn niece; she was beautiful with thin blonde hair and huge blue eyes. If you have ever seen the sight of a baby’s laughter you would know why love was something that filled you up inside.

The End

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