There is only one thing I can think of now, one word, one horrible feeling. Regret. I wish I hadn't done anything. I wish I hadn't brought Hephzibah back to be a God - no matter how amazingly she seems to have adapted to this role. No matter how much I love her my head fills with regrets like how my mind used to fill with the images of my victims dying while I was human. It tastes of the most bitter thing imaginable twice over.
I have foresaken my friends, my lover. Albeit I did it to save them, but I lost my integrity. That was one of the few things I had left. Now all I have is countless godly errands. Continual approval or declining new words, new ideas and the language ascribed to it. Having to plant those in mortal minds. Sorting the theives from the killers. Ferrying the excess souls to the underworld.
Being a God was nothing good. It did have a few good points. Sunlight, food, being able to sire children... I'd give everything up to become a vampyre again. I crave that unique friendship, that undescribable friendship of the bloodthirsty that I once had.
They all say that you don't know what you have until it's gone - but really it's just ignorance of how things change, sometimes for the better or in this case - for miserable lonliness. I'm more that depressed. I should have it all - I should be overjoyed! Eternal life with my true love, knowing that once again she is carrying my child, that this time I will be the father I never could be as a vampyre.
I really am an idiot. I am stupid, and selfish, and ungrateful. I'm everything I never wanted to be but everything I used to wish. How the fates hate me!
I look about my new godly manor, the sprawling lawns, the meticulous perfection of everything. All I can see is fault. All I see is hate and regret. I never should have had this! I shouldn't have even lived - as a vampyre I should have stepped into the sun first chance I had. Died knowing that my rein of terror wouldn't happen.
But I can't change it. Well I could - but what use would it be? Artemis could redo as quickly as I could undo. I'd tried... and obviously failed.
Why can I never be happy with my life? Why do I constantly just do something completely stupid?
I think my most fatal mistake when it comes to my own happiness, let alone others, was to bring Hephzibah back. I love her with every fibre of my being - as much as every man can love their true loves combined. But how could I put myself in front of others. I loved Lillith, I loved her as soon as I met her. Demitri; the vampyre that changed her, was doomed to die as soon as he changed her - and I didn't mind. I wasn't his friend, I was never his. We used each other in those early vampyric years and when he asked me to hide him from this creation of his - who was I to stop him? I needed to repay his early kindness. So with my happy threesome he stayed for but a day before Lillith, in her undead beauty stormed in and killed him with no more mercy that he'd shown her mortal soul.
I missed it all. I missed my intellectual and deeply profound theological and philosophical talks with Alcatraz. I missed the constant changing of the the drapes, clothes and fashions fo the house with Charlotte - I think she was trying to preserve our identity but I miss how much I hated it. But most of all I missed Lillith. I missed her beautiful scent. That scent that I now recoiled at. How could I have changed all of that? I really deserved this all.
I put my golden staff in my special sling designed to carry it. Put on my winged shoes and headed at my new breathtaking speed to where Charlotte resided in her own unhappiness.
I'd promised a trip to the underworld to seek Aphrodite with her. I can't fail with my new promises, not like I'd promised Lillith my love, my care or my life. God or not, Charlotte was my only friend left and a friend I desperately needed to balance myself.