Moonshine's 5 Fears

1) I'm terrified of the thought that I will be under somebody else's responsibility for the rest of my life. I scared that I will always be dependent on someone else, therefore have to put up with their crap without the individual authority to sustain my beliefs or my views or even my own mind. I'm scared that people will turn me into a version of themselves, and I, dependent on those I love, who have so often let me down and dragged me into their own mistakes, with no-one other than myself to sit the life sentence, will make the same mistakes and lack the capability to lead my own life in the opposite direction from my family - which ultimately, is inevitable.

2) I'm scared of being alone. I don't mean now, when I'm watching TV, or when I'm sleeping. I mean in life. I'm scared my friends will one day decide the don't like me - even though I know them better than that. I'm scared that my family will lose contact and those I had grown up so close to will drift away to become no more than a yearly visitor. I'm scared of people thinking I'm an idiot, just because I'm not the best. I'm scared of my family being disappointed in me, therefore leaving me, because I did not accomplish what they once had.

3) I'm terrified of becoming like my father; inconsiderate of other people, and to see myself above others. This fear is joined with the fear of becoming like my mother; making her mistakes, leading my own life into decay as she had done, and forcing my future children to be miserable and unhappy.

4) I'm also afraid of things that are dying. Off the subject, I know, but they freak me out. I feel pity and sadness, of course, when somebody's beloved pet is passing away ... but almost more than any other feeling, I feel frightened. I start to shudder and squirm away from them. I couldn't touch a dying hamster. I don't think its because I'm cold and inconsiderate or uncaring, its just their limp forms, helpless, unseeing eyes, death. Death scares the crap out of me.

5) Leads us rather neatly to death. During the day, death is a fact of life. I would gladly jump in front of a train or something if it meant saving the life of somebody I loved if it was daytime (or, I like to think I would), but at night its different. Does anybody ever find that? Night brings out the monsters and the fears and the bad memories? When your lying in bed at night, with nothing to think of but your fears - and then your mind leads to the thought of death. You try to be philosophical - what happens to you when you die? But then, I at least, however much I try to convince myself that I believe we are reborn again, or that we 'go to a better place', begin to realize, with no control over my own thought, that it is actually an empty void of nothingness, that death will soon come, soon I will be old, soon I will die, soon I will be nothing, I won't be able to think, I won't be able to love, I won't be able to dream, imagine, write stories, draw pictures, hug, smile, laugh, cry, dance, sing badly. My biggest fear - though I feel a little cowardly for admitting it.

The End

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