What I'm Frightened Of

  1. I am terrified of being sick. I can handle other people being sick, but I am terrified of throwing up myself. It stems from about 2 and a half years ago, when I was quite violently ill at my boyfriend's house. We weren't together at the time, and I think I will always associate being sick with the confusion, unhappiness, guilt and anxiousness that I felt then.
  2. I am afraid (seems to be a common theme in these chapters) of losing touch with my friends. All of my friends bar two are going to university in September - to Nottingham, Leeds, Lincoln. I am not. The idea that we will grow apart until we've got nothing to say to each other anymore is deeply disturbing.
  3. I'm frightened of becoming unhealthy. It's not a weight issue really - I like how I look; I weigh 9 and a half stone and am 5'5 and I think I am a decent size and shape. But the thought of not being fit does bother me - I don't feel comfortable if I haven't run/been to the gym for a week or so, and I feel annoyed with myself if I don't eat very well for a couple of days. I love running, and if I were unfit it would mean I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much.
  4. I'm frightened of getting pregnant/having children. The whole idea freaks me out. Aside from the obvious pressing issues that would come from getting pregnant at 18, I could not be that totally responsible for another human being. Having read "We Need To Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver, I am now also aware that there is the possibility that I would not love, or even like, my child.
  5. I don't want people to realise that I'm not as clever as they think I am. Something of an imposter syndrome I feel. People reckon I'm really smart, but what if I'm actually not? Won't that be disappointing?
The End

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