Five Ghosts in my Machine...

I - Beginning with the least logical, Moths. Moths for some reason beyond my knowledge, raise my heart beat, they make me nervous. Their unpredictability panics me, I am left to look stupid as I dart fear-stricken out of their bizarre swoops and flight patterns. The only possible reasoning I can give to this fear is that when I was 8 I was bitten by a moth. Most people refuse to believe that Moths can bite, but I swear in all honesty that this big furry moth (that I wasn't scared to allow to perch on my thumb at the time) landed on my thumb and made me bleed. I don't know how they eat through clothes, but they clearly attempted that with my young vulnerable thumb.

II - Being spoken about. This contradicts what I'll later say. I hate the idea that people are talking about me, but I don't know what they are saying, whether it is good or bad I fear that someone thinks something about me and I am not aware of it. I hate the sense that I am not in tune with how someone feels about me, I just want to know where I stand with people. Yet... when I do know everything about someone, I get bored, and the relationship dies, so I am left in a constant state of apprehension, curiosity and fear.

III - Being alone. Not as in being in solitude, I can quite happily spend time in my own company for days, no, weeks on my own, I can keep my mind active and busy, disappearing in my own world, just taking it in, and giving it out again. What I am scared of is not having a friend. in particular a girl usually. I have a special bond with girls in general where I just enjoy their company and just feel more relaxed in their presence, where I seem to understand them, and they understand me, there's this place of equilibrium that I find solace with my friends, without which I would wither.

IV - Death. This and number five go hand in hand really... I am scared to stop existing, I don't wish to live forever, but I feel I don't have enough time to fulfill all of my dreams, to complete myself, to complete my journeys, to complete my thoughts, this is an inner fear, one I don't really speak about, because it isn't about mortal death, its about mental death, the inability to think or feel any more, it terrifies me at the core, yet I never consider that the act of dying would actually scare me.

V - Not leaving a mark. I have so many ideas, so many talents, so many things I can do. What terrifies me more than anything is the possibility that I won't be remembered. I want to write books that go down in history, I want to make films that are considered revolutionary, I want to help people, I want to do things that will be remembered as a story and a lesson to people. I don't want to be remembered so much as a person, but as an occurrence, teaching us that we can all change the world... but deep down I am scared that we can't.

 

Wolfe x x x

The End

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