5 Fears

1) I am afraid of nothing. Sounds silly right. What I mean is I am afraid of nothingness, of a complete and total lack of self, of an all consuming blackness which isn't really black because that would at least be something but is instead and empty void.

2) Death because I have no strong belief about it beyond that it is an end of some sort. Maybe on the other side of the grave is a paradise full of everyone I love and cherish and all the things I could possibly need to be happy. But that could not be as great as it sounds becuase when you are in paradise what is your purpose? Can you help others, grow spiritually or are you stuck in a constant state of bliss no more sentient than a species of bacteria. Hell while a scary concept is still to me far less frightening than nothingness, my first fear, becuase even under the most grueling torture and abuse you are still capable of thought, of dreams and of basic human interaction that is the fuel of all complex feelings.

3) Things inside my body that I didn't put there. Needles scare me for that reason, the feeling of the steel needle penetrating my flesh and sinking deep and I always have the same delusional thought that it will reach my bones and then suck me dry from the inside out. Things in my ear are nearly just as bad. I once had someone put there tongue in my ear after telling me they wanted to whisper something to me. I freaked out a little and stared at them in disbelief and then spent the rest of the day picturing a big fat gray slug burrowing its way through my ear canal and into my brain and any  second now I would feel a lancing pain meaning it had reached its goal.

4) Lonlinesss. I am terrified of being truly alone. I don't mean stuck by yourself for a few hours or a few days but to have no one at all to communicate with to connect to in your life. To wander around in an empty daze feeling all the time that you are on the outside looking in. During middle school my group of friends collectively disowned me mostly due to me being a horrible person and while I found new friends and was never truly lonely I always felt close. That I would reach out and no one would be there.

5) Of finding out that fundementally I am incapapble of changing myself. I like myself now but I could be better and to think that my whole personality is hardwired into my brain from my genes and possibly my early childhood and I am forever doomed to whatever hand fate chooses to deal me. That scares me.

Well there's my first post

The End

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