Loss of the things I love

My greatest fear of all is loss, so I'll number the types of loss as my five fears.

1. Loss of loved ones.
I don't have a huge number of people that I love more than life itself, but there are a few. There are five people in my life that I would willingly die for so that they could live. My love for them is that deep. My fear is losing them through death.

2. Loss of employment.
After 35 years at the same job, I am finally at a place where I actually enjoy going to work. I feel that I am appreciated. I get good wages and excellent benefits. In this scary global economy, I'm afraid of losing my job.

3. Loss of our cat.
We've never been blessed with children, so our cat has become our child, in a sense. We had one of our cats for 17 years. He died 30 years ago, but I still miss him. We had our last cat for 11 years. He was diabetic for the last 4 years of his life. We gave him 2 shots of insulin a day. Our comings and goings revolved around those shots. When we lost him 3 years ago, we grieved pretty much as if we had lost a child. Our current cat is  2 1/2 years old, and I'm afraid of losing him in some way or another. He's gotten out without his harness and leash a couple of times, and I was an awful mess until we found him. I'm afraid of losing him through illness or accident.

4. Loss of friendships.
I've had friends come and go over the years, but a few have stuck around. I'm afraid of losing their respect and affection through estrangement of some kind.

5. Loss of myself.
I'm a senior citizen now, and the weaknesses and possible mental disability  of that fact scares the crap out of me. I'm forgetful all the time, I'm occasionally cranky for no good reason. I've actually been tested for alzheimer's a couple of years ago, with a solid negative result. Still, I'm afraid of losing the qualities about myself that make me, me as I age. My reading, for instance. It's always been one of the most essential joys of my life since I was four years old. What if I lost interest in it, or forgot how? My ability /  talent of writing. It's always just been there. Even writing letters in the days before computers was a writing experience for me. Those letters to loved ones became short stories and current event missives that I wish I still had. I'd like to publish some of them.

I'm not a greedy person. I don't wish for or dream about impossibilities. I just want to keep what I have, because I love what I have, who I am and the people who love me. That's all.

Moonwalker / Sharon



The End

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