Ryan's Five Fears

1. I fear being loved.
Especially as I get older, love is probably the one thing I want more than anything, but I don't know if I could even handle it if the right woman actually did love me. On the rare occasion that I meet someone I think might be right for me, I become like a deer in headlights... with Tourette Syndrome. I'd love to explain in more detail, but I can't spit it out right now. Maybe someday. (No, I don't have Tourette Syndrome.)

2. I fear growing old and lonely.
Kinda goes along with the first one, yet it is the total opposite. I don't have a dependent personality, but there comes a time in your life when you need to find lifelong romantic love--a best friend with appropriate reproductive organs--especially if you, like me, haven't been a serial monogamist. I don't need a lot of money or things, but I need to matter to someone. I know I already matter to a few people, but it's not the same as mattering to the right person.

(I probably should have reversed #1 and #2.)

3. I fear good news.
I never get what I want, especially when I think I might get what I want. Consequently, the prospect of getting what I want only causes anxiety for me.

4. I fear conventional wisdom. 
"Conventional wisdom" is BS, yet people keep believing it.

5. I fear that maybe I am an a-hole.
I don't think I am, but I know I can be (as is true with everyone). I often feel like everything I say, for reasons I can't explain, comes out all wrong, which makes me look like a jerk, even though my intentions tend to be pure. D'OH!

Over the last couple years, I've lost almost all my fears because I spent 13 months traveling--walking, hitchhiking, trainhopping--with a backpack and almost no money. There really is nothing to fear in life, but I still have a few fears, mostly related to love and feeling worthy of being loved. One of my goals in life is to become completely fearless, for fearlessness is freedom.

The End

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