Sometimes I Even Scare Myself

I am afraid of the real personalities behind the profiles on the Protagonize website.  They write wonderful words, spout satirical sentences, then retreat into the concealing caverns of cyberspace.  Though perhaps irrational, I fear they are all one person, a woman with large fingers and three keyboards, blasting away at the QWERTY buttons in some sick attempt at waxing prolific.

Fear rules me when I pee.  I feel exposed, as if, while standing in front of that toilet, I am bearing myself to the world, showing the lesser parts of my manhood.  It may sound nuts, however, the tinkling sound of water hitting water, reminds me of the soundtrack for Psycho, and I shudder and shake, several times, before running back to bed.

I am terrified of accidentally bump dialing an old girlfriend on my cell phone.  To think she might overhear a conversation, one in which I’ve recycled phrases, repeated lines, mentioned unmentionables, makes me cringe.  Honestly, its not that I feel shame for the act, but rather, that she might claim custody of my words or get a restraining order against my wit.  I’d feel like a mime with no hands, and since I didn’t give her the ring, I don’t feel she has the right to give me the finger.

Some would say my fear of the ocean is irrational.  I’d respond with something like this:

I would not like to die by shark

I’d rather be mugged and killed in a park

I would not like to die by choking

I’d rather lose my lungs to smoking

I would not like to die by drowning

I’d rather be giggled to death by clowning

I would not like to die by water

I’d rather be hugged to death by my daughter

I would not like to die writing more

I’d rather sleep on the sandy shore

My worst fear though, is hardly worth repeating.  It is so unlikely that I dare not give it mention, and yet, just in case the day does arrive…my worst fear is that someone finds a way to use invisible ink on laptop computers and that everything I write from that point on just



The End

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