Five Fears

1)I am afraid of living and dying in the legacy my father left for me. I am nothing like him, and I choose my own destiny, but sometimes the old adage "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" haunts my dreams, turning sweet wanderings of what my future might hold into nightmarish visions about a person i can never allow myself to become.

2)I am afraid of failing; of dying "unfinished" as a friend once so eloquently put it. I have so many wishes and so many dreams, and my fear is that in growing up i will give up those integral elements of my life for a secure nine to five, effectively ending my ability to really mark the world. It is scary, the uncertainty of change, but change is what my soul yearns for. And I can only be a bit fearful of the costs I may have to pay.

3)I am afraid of insects. It is a wretched, horribly irrational phobia. Even the most beautiful butterflies, so harmless and pretty to observe, strike the most deadly fear into my heart. It's really quite inconvenient to be paralyzed with fear from even the smallest insects, especially when I'm alone with no one to save me.

4)I am afraid of trusting people. My life experiances have not given me much to go on, and I've been hurt a lot of times by people I can't help but love. I am learning, especially in the recent months of my life, that some people really will stick around when i need them. But there has been a certain uncanny correlation between how much I love & trust someone and how much they have hurt me. Sometimes I reel from the thought of that reality. I try to stay positive, because I know love is a beautiful thing, both from friends and more than friends, but sometimes its hard.

5)I am afraid of judgement. I have spent years of my life being difficult and shattering as many social expectations as I can, but at the end of the day i have a quiet fear of not being good enough. I often wonder if that is the very reason I am so difficult; i am daring people to show they care enough to get to know the true person beneath the outer layers. Which is ironic, because i fear so intensly that they won't like that inner person.
The End

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