Chain of HypocracyMature

Tell me again why I can’t date Ian. Remind me from personal experience of that sea storm of rotting guilt inside, the ache inside as you hold her and think of me. Those trusting eyes fixated on an illusion I shouldn’t fight to maintain because its not mutual. How its really a lie that’s killing you inside to keep, and its slaughtering us. The tears you fight back because you are hurting me by being with her.

You say with conviction not to start. Why dig the grave any deeper when you know you’re trying to get out. Why rope more people into the pain? It’s not worth it.

Tell me again what we have. Those moments of intimate connection on the roof, understanding that only comes from the most vulnerable place. An envelopment of warmth that only comes from someone special, and you sneer at my haste to give it up. Why would I want to trade our parallel souls for a shallow relationship that wont last? Frankly, I agree. I shouldn’t date Ian. What we have is far too precious. You are right; no one else will ever fill the space permanently carved out in our hearts for the other.

So why are you dating her?

Those are the deepest hypocritical stabs cutting to a vulnerable place. You are wrecking me. You make me feel like I need you. You promise me a future together, full of the best parts of the life we used to have together, and I fall head  over heals in love. You make me understand why I am fighting for you, and you give me the strength to struggle through all the pain that you’re causing me by being with her. You are devoted to me with a passion reciprocated and I look at you with trusting eyes. Then you laugh telling me you can only love me because your dating her. You rip my heart into pieces, and you tell me you can’t be with me because of all our heaviness, our problems. You would rather be with her. I question my struggle. I wonder if you are worth fighting for. You are a world of false promises and pain. I don’t want to hate myself, feeling guilty for loving you, feeling self hatred because I’m not worth it, feeling rejected.

I take a step back . I don’t want it. I breathe, and I find myself. I rekindle my inner fire and glow again. I love myself, and its contagious. I find a new happiness, and you are enraged. You feel vulnerable, replaced, and you snatch my happiness away with assurance its not what I want. I can’t follow a light happiness when what we have is too precious. I know its true, and I put down my new world and set about gluing back together the pieces of the old one. I hand it to you, and you say you don’t want it. I scream and cry inside, a tidal wave of childish anger. I give all I have to you and you don’t give it back. You keep your perfect world, and I am crying with broken pieces in my hands.

I don’t want to chase after someone who does that to me. I don’t want to resent myself for pursuing a person who makes me feel so low. I want to struggle for promise, and you have shattered that illusion with you, so I want to search outward. But my heart is attached to yours. I get Goosebumps and tingles in your presence, and I’m not finding someone else who makes me feel that way. I can ignore the precious aspects of what we have. My brain and my heart are at war over you. And my mind hates that my heart always wins.

 

I get the sensation you’re near, and my heart feels the soothing touch of rolling warmth flow over my entire being, and my breath turns sweet with relaxed shoulders. A smile is bubbling up, and then all is anchored as my mind cuts back with truth.

The stringing open wound that I would give you anything. I admit to myself I am selfish and I don’t want you with her, and I am too weak to move on. Lemony self hate fills my teary eyes and I cling to you furthermore deepening my own cuts. You see my tears and you pull me close, and I let myself believe its OK to be selfish, its ok to pine after you. You feel guilt, and you run to me with tears reciprocated and make me believe we are just kidding ourselves with the distance, and we need each other to heal these pains. I open my bleeding heart, and you throw sand. You can’t stand my vulnerability; you want someone who doesn’t drag you down. You chose her for a reason. To close the open vulnerability so my own pain stops, I convince myself there’s a reason we grew distant. I couldn’t give you what you wanted; you didn’t want to give me the chance. You deny me my happiness with your taunting love, and I’m separating inside. You hurt me more than your worth, and I could walk away and save myself. I’m drowning in the wake of a sinking ship.

I take a step back and watch you pull after me like I wanted, but there’s vinegar in your palms. I turn from you. It isn’t what I want. I breathe, and I find myself, and I relight the glow inside. I can handle our pain, but I’m not going to chase it.

And then the sweeping sensation of you wraps around my body and I feel warm and comforted, and drops of salty love confusion are released.

 

It makes me sad I have to question what we have. It makes me upset when I have to weigh all the pain we experience over all the good times and meaning we pose together. It shouldn’t have to be like that. I wish there was less pain. There’s times when I feel strong enough to walk away from all the bull shit, and there’s times when I feel the strength to endure all we fight for because its worth it.

Honestly there is no right answer. I hurt a lot right now. I can’t say how you feel. I feel out of touch with you lately, because you are happy with her, which wasn’t something I anticipated. I assumed you would find all the things you loved about us and come running back, but your loyalty to her is killing me, as I slowly lose priority.

It hurts to be replaced. I want you to feel the stabs of jealousy, just because I am the devil  and I don’t want to be in this alone. I can’t say where you fall at this point, but I know your not falling with me, even if your falling for me.

I’m mad at you, I love you, and I’m hating myself and feeling shitty, and frankly I just want to cry. Go away. Come here and hold me close, and tell me all we have. Either way I’ll feel churning discontent because that’s not the way its supposed to be.

I shouldn’t walk away from something so great and abandon you. I shouldn’t be causing myself so much pain when I need to be healing and getting over you.

Stop hurting me. Stop these tears.

My plan is to find me. To find the strength to love myself, and stop these self intended daggers of blame.

I tell myself I can walk away, I don’t ever want to give up on you. I want to be there for you. I want to be reliable, stable, and let you come to the realization you need me. But you’re realizing there’s a lot of pain and this is minefield territory. Should I get over you? If I stay, I keep my knives pushing further into my self esteem. I’m tired of fighting a battle that’s making me doubt myself.

I need to find myself and make me proud. There are so many great things about me that don’t desrve to be second best.

I need to go belly dancing, and dog walking, and make my room ocean, and put up water signs, and find other things to throw myself into, because wasted hours of meaningless love confessions aren’t getting either of us anywhere. I can’t be a victom of pain. I loose respect for myself when I chase after someone who isn’t going to fulfill my expectations. Of course I want you, of course I care about you and am crazy about you, but you can;’t hold me close if you aren’t going to follow through, and I’m not willing to hurt for that.

Babe, I glow when I’m happy. You tell me you love me when I sparkle, and you fight even harder when you have competion., But you fighting for me burns inside because its not going to happen. Its fake promises and Im the one getting hurt, and I loose my glow knowing we can’t be, and thenyou toss me aside. That’s not fair. I’m not going to lose my happiness because you can’t make up your mind. You chose her, be happy with her, I am going because im tired of this heartache, and for the time being we can’t be friends. It hurts to much. You mean the world to me.

I’m crying now. I don’t know if its because im giving up on something I shouldn’t or if its because im finally setting my boundries. Well it feels good.  Its getting something out, and I know I havn’t given up yet because my heart still feels inside.

I have the potential to be your best friend, closest confidant. I have been before, I will be again. But this is too much. You said our relationship came before yours and caitlen’s, well your loosing me. You told me to not date Ian because I’d loose you and you;’d realize too late. I;’m sorry, but your words rang true, and you know it. You will hate yourself for not listening to yourself. And I will smile a devilish smile because now the pain is equal, but mine is over.

Or maybe I’ll fall victom to my trap again, and you will give up on you and I will be begging at your feet, na dyou will hate me for abandoning yuou. I don’t want to leave you, but this isn’t fair to me and now im taking action to save me.

I’m dying with you right now. This pain wakes me up in the morning and I feel like crying. I feel evil and guilty and not worth anyones time

 

If you mean anything, we will know each other 20 years form now, but in order for that to happen we have to overcome the present, and I can only do that with space right now.

The End

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