I've watched all the movies about teenage "angst". You know, the ones where they're loners, expressing their deep emotional wounds in eccentric cries for attention. They hang out at funerals or lie on train tracks or go to the doctor everyday and complain about fake symptoms. Or sometimes they have imaginary friends or talk about death to scare away potential friends. The lighting is always cold and grey, and the music is subtle and artsy, and the sets are always quirky and used-looking. And in the end, they meet the perfect girl or boy who brings out the normal person in them. I don't know if those people actually exist in real life, I mean, I know there's a lot of weird, self-centred, and hurting people out there, but I think they're a little too afraid of what other people think to actually crash funerals.
At least I am. Too afraid to crash funerals, I mean.
No, I sit here and wonder how they think up those weird things to do. And how the writers come up with them. I mean, did the writers go through a phase where they lay down on train tracks or did they have friends who did, or did they just think, "if I were a weird, hurting teenager, what would I do?" and that's what they come up with?
I mean, I sit here and I know I am weird and hurting. And I know there's no good reason for me to be - my parents are alive and they didn't hit me or anything. But I can't think of what I could do to go either way - either to get "normal" or become an eccentric teenager. I don't really want to kill myself, and I don't really like hanging out at funerals, and if I did do weird stuff, I wouldn't want to drag anybody else into it, you know? I wouldn't introduce them to my imaginary friends or tell them about my obsession with birds. I'd just pretend to be normal. Because I wouldn't want them to feel sorry for me. I think.
But I don't think I'd like being normal either. What's the fun in doing what everybody expects? And what is normal? Who got to dream that up? Why do we all have to look and think and talk the same way? What is it about humans that they need to be the same as the people around them? Is it a need to belong? A need to be superior?
For example, if I'm Captain Normal, and I have two parents, a mother and father, and a brother and sister, and we all eat dinner at the table together and my dad works and my mom cooks and the kids go to school and get average grades and hope to grow up to be lawyers or accountants or teachers and get married... does that make people happy? Is that our goal to be happy? Does happiness even exist?