I'm not sure yet.
It's quiet... too quiet. God, I sound like some character in James Bond, or the Matrix. But, whatever. It's too freaking quiet!
I need some fresh air, I think to myself. Of course I think to myself. Who else would I think to?
God... I need to calm down. I'm too paranoid, and I don't even have reason to be so.
I have been sitting in a ball on my white couch for the last three days. The phone has rang so many times I can't even begin to count. I have had people, friends, knocking on my door. I never answer to either. So far, I think there's a total of seventy-four messages on my answering machine.
I just... I can't be around people anymore. My mother and best friend are probably worried sick about me, but I just can't find it in me to give a rat's ass about it. I can't.
Oh God... Is someone watching me? It feels like someone's watching me. Oh God, oh God, oh Go-- NO!
No one is watching you, Lily! I scream at myself, internally, of course. Despite my predicament, I don't need people thinking I'm even crazier than they already think I am.
Screaming and talking to yourself is no way to show that you're sane. That's what my mom used to say when I was sixteen.
I miss sixteen. Everything was so simple back then. I didn't have to go to work; well, technically, I don't have to go now, either... I got fired two days ago. But still... I didn't have bills to pay back then, and also... I hadn't met him.
I scream internally at myself again, but there are no decipherable words. It's just a loud, desperate, raging cry. Isn't that what a scream usually is? Of course. Duh.
Take deep breaths, Lily, I tell myself. In, out, in, out, in, out... And repeat. Deep breath in, deep breath out. And repeat again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. And one more time, just for the hell of it.
I sigh and reluctantly stand to pour myself another cup of coffee. But it doesn't seem to help much. Maybe I should switch over to Vodka... no. No. I will not become a drunk because of him. I refuse. Absolutely, positively, beyond a doubt, I ref--
Knock, knock knock... and again, knock, knock, knock...
"Lily, dammit, open this door. I know you're home, because where else would you go to sulk! Lily, do not make me get the landlord! I know for a fact that with a little persuasion he will give me the key, and then I will come in there and drag you out by your hair!"
Meredith... Meredith, Meredith, Meredith... I shake my head in dismay... Always the one to take matters into her own hands...
Reluctantly, I walk to the door slowly and open it a crack.
She was pacing around in the hall like a fool until she turned and saw that I had opened the door a crack for the first time in days.
I smiled tentatively at her, and she pushes the door open further to let me in.
"Look, Lily. I know that Sam hurt you.... We all know. But you can't just sit in here all day long and wallow about it." She said gently.
And that would be when I burst into broken sobs and cling to Meredith. Again. Yep, this is definitely not the first time this has ever happened, and it's definitely not the last.