We find an abandoned car with the windows smash in. It's in some alley. We all decide this is where we will stay during the winter. Toronto gets cold.
The seat belts jab into your skin during the night. It's still comfier than concrete.
We push the seats back so that they lay all the way back down. Johnnie is lying in the driver's side, already passed out. Miranda is in the passenger's side. She is curled up into a ball.
"Kevin, do you love me?" she whispers.
"You know I do. I'll kick anyone's ass who wants to fuck with you."
"Not like that. More than that, I mean."
"Johnnie loves you like that, Miranda."
"I love him too. I'm so happy He made us cross paths. I don't know where I would be without him."
You'd be clean, not on heroin, coke, crack, pills, anything.
"I don't believe in Him."
"Why not? Everyone's gotta have a little faith."
"Not me," I tell her. "Not me."
I wake up shivering and sweating. It's getting colder and I need drugs.
I fish the last of the heroin out of my pocket. Johnnie shifts and I sit very still. If Johnnie
found out that I took the last bit of heroin, he would beat me senseless.
I put the heroin in my palm, cupping it, to be careful. A breeze picks up, going through the windows. I look up to check on Johnnie and Miranda. I look back down at my palm. The heroin's gone. The wind blew it away.
"Shit!" I yell. I am livid.
I start pounding my fists on the seats. I smack my fist against the seat buckle. It hurts and I can feel it start to bruise. I lean back on the seat and start kicking what's left of the door.
"Piece of shit car! Fuck you!"
I'm sweating. With every kick I can feel the door coming off the hinges. I am boot fucking the door.
Johnnie practically jumps out of his seat.
"What the fuck man! What the fuck?!" He's yelling so loud.
The door crashes to the ground and I hear silence. There is no sound. Just me and my breathing. I look over at Miranda and she's crying. I think she's scared of me. Or the fact that there's no drugs left. I'm scared of both.
I lay down on the seat. My face is muffled in the fabric.
"The wind blew away the last of it." I sigh.
"What?" He can't hear me.
I turn my head and look his straight in the eyes.
"There's no more heroin left. It's gone."
I stick my face back in the seat and yell. I scream because that's the only thing I can do right now. That's the only thing I am in control of.
I hate it how drugs control me. I hate it how the only thing I think about is getting a hit of something. Yet, I love it. I love the rush and I love what it does to me. I love the pure form of everything, at it's organic state. Drugs make everything better. They really do. I am happy with them. I love them. So much.
Johnnie blames me for the drugs being gone. I blame mother nature. Fuck you mom. I know I'm going to have to sell myself. Miranda knows she will too.