It was nearing the kids’ fourteenth birthdays, and I kind of figured someone should give them the puberty talk. Chances are they were already going through most of it, and the school had probably been through it with them, but it couldn’t hurt to talk about it, could it? Since I couldn’t speak to Lily about female puberty, I asked Karen to give me a hand. After all, it was either her or Mom, and I didn’t want Lily scarred for life. Karen laughed, but agreed, saying it was a fair swap when I offered to give Lewis the puberty talk as well, even though he was a year behind the twins.
We arranged a date to do all the talking, and I waved to the old man once we’d gotten through the front door. Lily went off with her grandma, and I went in search of Lewis, with Danny in tow. He was sat in his room doing his homework.
"Hey, sport" I smiled at him and he glanced up.
"Got a minute?" I asked and he looked back at his homework.
"All the time in the world" he said, pushing his books away.
I sat down with him and Danny, my mind going blank. Why the fuck did I decide to do this?
"What do they tell you guys about puberty in school these days?" I asked and Lewis shrugged.
"That it happens. If there were specifics, I wasn't listening" he said, and I couldn’t help laughing when Danny agreed with him. "The condoms made really good water balloons"
Danny giggled. "You did that too?"
"We water bombed the principal by accident" he grinned, making Danny laugh.
I cleared my throat but the two of them kept giggling away to themselves. "Anyway, I figure you guys should probably know what you're up against" I said, letting out a tiny groan at what I was about to talk about. "Uh, well, your voices'll get deeper, for starters" I explained, and Lewis oh so kindly pointed out that my voice wasn’t that deep. I pouted at him and he shrugged.
"How can you know we'll have deeper voices when yours isn't deep?" he asked innocently.
"It is deep" I pouted, too busy trying to recover my battered ego than fight it out. "Anyway, another big thing is hair" I said, knowing full well that I was giving the shittiest puberty talk ever. If I was at work, I could do it fine, but apparently not now.
I nodded. "Everywhere. You'll look like big foot" I said, laughing at the look of horror on Lewis’ face. "I'm kidding, it won't be everywhere"
"Where then?" he asked, and I listed everywhere minus the crotch. Oh God.
"And, uh..." I trailed off and he shot me a questioning look. I sort of mumbled it out and Lewis giggled a little, asking why I was so embarrassed. "Because I'm no good at talking about this kind of stuff" I whined.
"Then why are you?" he giggled.
"Because someone has to do it" I said, and he just giggled. I tracked back to hair to try and get back on topic, trying to ignore Lewis glancing at my bare legs, and how little hair they had. “You might get some spots, as well”
I covered growth spurts and muscle growth, all the physical kind of stuff, and Lewis spent his time biting back comments in regards to my lack of everything I was talking about. Puberty cut me a shitty deal, okay?
"Right, that's the easy stuff out of the way" I said, taking a deep breath. "There's gonna be some big changes downstairs”
"Downstairs?" Lewis asked.
"You know,down there" I said, not wanting to say it.
Lewis looked down at his crotch, looking back up at me to confirm it. I nodded.
"Like what?" he asked, and I glanced at Danny, making sure he was taking it all in.
"Well, it sort of goes through a growth spurt as well"
Lewis made a point of saying that it gets in the way enough as it is, without getting any bigger, and I kindly informed he knew nothing of it getting in the way yet.
"You might have these things called wet dream, as well. They're perfectly normal, and it's perfectly normal if you don't have them at all. All that happens is you might have a "saucy dream", as they phrased it when I was at school, and your wang gets a bit too excited by it" I said, and for once he didn’t have a sarcastic comment. "And you'll definitely get erections. Usually at the most awkward times" I said, thinking back to all the times Caleb had gotten boners at the worst times. Lewis giggled a little. "What?" I asked, amused.
"Did you?" he asked and I nodded.
I explained erections and sperm and whatnot, knowing I should really cover jerking off as well. Forgive me for not wanting to think of my boys ever doing anything sexual. Or Lily, for that matter. So of course Lewis asked just what should one do with a boner.
"It depends where you are, really" I said, hiding that I was more or less crying on the inside.
"Well, if you're in public, you just have to ignore it"
"And if I'm not?"
"Then you can... Uh..."
"Should I be asking someone else this?" he asked, tilting his head.
"Probably" I said, laughing weakly. "Um... Well, when you're alone, you can do two things, really. You can just ignore it again, or you can... You can, uh... Play... with it..."
"Play with it?
"Yeah... Has anyone at school ever said anything about jerking off or anything?" I asked, hoping like fuck they had.
"Maybe. I dunno" Lewis said, thinking about it.
"I heard someone talking about it once" Danny said.
"Well, you can sort of rub it, and it makes you feel good" I said, feeling as awkward as that sounded.
"Like I saw you and Daddy doing that time?" Danny asked and I stared at him in shock.
"What were they doing?" Lewis asked, and I kept staring. He’d what…?
"They were watching something on TV, and they both had their hands on each other’s-"
"I think that's enough puberty talk for today" I interrupted.
"And they were going like this" Danny said, ignoring me and acting out what me and Maxxie had been doing.
Meanwhile I was lying dead on the floor. We’d thought the kids had been asleep, and Maxxie being Maxxie, had decided it’d be a great idea to watch some porn. I’d ignored it for the most part, giving him a helping hand, but eventually everything that was going on got to me, and he had to give me a little helping hand too, if you catch my drift.
"Was that what you meant by playing with it?" Lewis asked me, but I was too busy being dead to answer. Lewis turned to Danny. "Do you think it was?"
Danny nodded. "Either that, or the other thing I saw them doing"
I sat up at that, knowingexactlywhat he meant that time. "That one can wait for another day"
"What were they doing that time?" Lewis asked, completely ignoring me.
"Well, Daddy was on top of him, and it sounded like he was hurting him, but Daddy said he was making Papa feel good. I think someone said it's called sex, but that's what a guy and a girl do to make a baby, isn't it?" Danny explained.
"Maybe it's sex for everyone?"
"Maybe, but where would the penis go?" Danny asked, and the two of them thought about it.
In a way, it was kind of sweet watching them trying to figure it out. But then what they were trying to figure out hit me again, and I flopped back down on the floor to die again. Why me?
"No idea" Lewis said, sounding confused.
Danny thought about it some more, before asking me to pretend like me and Maxxie were getting up to whatever it was we’d been doing so they could try and figure it out.
"No" I said, staring at the ceiling.
"Then how does it work? I don't get it" Lewis asked.
"You don't need to know yet"
Lewis looked at Danny.
"Maybe we can ask Grandma" Danny offered, and I saw Lewis nod.
"Which one?" I asked.
"Or the old man"
"He'd tell us" Lewis said, getting up and bouncing off to ask him. Oh God.
"Don't you dare ask him" I said, sitting up again.
"Because he'll scar you for life"
"Then why can't you tell us?" he asked and I let out a groan.
"Alright, but you have to promise not to tellanyone"
"'Kay" he said, and I made Danny agree as well.
I tried to put it off and distract them for a bit, before eventually telling them. Their reactions couldn’t have been more different. Lewis just sort of stared at me, like I’d told him something weird, whereas a look of realisation washed over Danny’s face, as if all the pieces had suddenly clicked together in his head.
"But that's weird" Lewis said innocently. "Poop comes out of there" he said and I nodded. "But... But it's weird"
"It's not that weird" Danny said, sticking up for me.
"Is that why Mom told me two men together was weird and gross?" Lewis asked.
"Probably" I said, and I could tell Lewis agreed, if only a little.
"If Papa says it's good, it must be" Danny said, sticking up for me again. Lewis still just seemed weirded out by it, though. "Maybe we can try it out some day" Danny smiled.
Lewis smiled back faintly. "Maybe"
The two of them held hands, and Lewis leant his head on Danny’s shoulder. I watched the two of them, Danny resting his head on top of Lewis’. They weren’t half cute together, even at this age.
"Any other questions?" I asked after a while.
I sent them on their way when neither of them could think of anything, flopping back down on the floor and hearing Karen walk in the room.