"Mom?" I faintly replied.
"Yes, I'm here. Kel, do you remember when you met Diggy a few years ago?"
"Yeah, I met him at Starbucks."
"After you kissed him for the first time, you called me out of all people and told me."
"Yeah, because you're important to me. I don't know."
"Supongo, siguiendo su corazón..."
"Yes, you were following your heart. Why did you kiss him?
"Because my heart was telling me too."
"And what is your heart saying now?"
"That I don't want to lose him. He makes me feel like the man that you have raised me to be. He makes me feel like nothing is unreachable. I can conquer whatever I put my mind too."
"So, what is the problem?"
"I have to keep lying and putting up a charade as if I don't feel this way. I just lied to dad as if I'm not still gay. I lost my grip and I feel weak."
"Kel, you are being to hard on yourself. When you get back, I wanna see you. I want a hug."
I chuckled, "Mom, you know you are my heart. This lifestyle is no joke, though. It's a different ball game. Mom, even if I did chose Diggy, my son will grow up with two fathers. I can't protect him from the pure hate that he will receive. That is on my heart. It's not just me anymore. Jaiden and I are a packaged deal."
She quickly interjected, "Don't use that as an outing! Diggy loves Jaiden and will protect him like he does you."
"Mom, you have to look at the entire picture."
She scoffed, "This trip really messed you up. I need you to take a deep breath and pray."
I disregarded her words, "he was really bothered that during the break up, I was out fucking around. And the two gays threated to tell everything so I had to silence them."
"You told him? You told him how many people you messed with on your break? Why? It's probably bothering him. That kind of info would stick to me better than a fly to cinnabun."
I chuckled as she finished, "and how did you silence them?"
"I feel like I cheated on him again. Are you okay if I get a little graphic? I haven't gotten this vivid with you since Alyssa."
"I am here for you as your mama and as your friend. Now is the reason why you initially sounded wounded."
"Yes, mom. I feel used and guilty. I feel dirty because I felt like I had to protect my secret and they were threatening to expose what I am trying to protect. They are the ones that went after me."
"Do you feel like your secret is kept?"
"It better be. I paid for their silence with my sex."
I started to pack my toiletries.
"You have to tell him."
"No! He won't forgive me."
"You have to free yourself."
"Mom, I love a man... me... your son. Is in love with a man."
I felt hands around my waist and my mom agreed with me. I felt my eyes started to water and my emotions climb to forefront.
I turned around and Diggy was holding me.
"How much did you hear?"
"I heard that you're in love with a man. I just came in. I thought you needed a hug."
"I do need a hug."
He held me tighter and I put my phone on speaker phone. I tried to be strong but I felt it was okay to be weak with him. I could feel his heartbeat.
"I'm sorry, Demetreus."
He kissed my forehead and one single teardrop fell from my eyes.
"I know this was a hard transition. I'm sorry too."
My mom said, "hello?"
"Hey Mrs. Johnson." Diggy said.
"Demetreus? Take care of my baby."
"I got him. I'll bandage him up for our trip back home tomorrow. I'll see you then."
He laid me down as I laid in silence. He turned off all the lights, opened the balcony door and removed his clothing.
He slid in the sheets and kissed me gently on my lips.
"We don't have to talk... but know that I love you too."
I wrapped my arms around him and I felt safe.
We both closed our eyes in silence.