Bella had not been pleased when I told her about her friend Jacob having the shape-shifter gene. Not at all. I explained to her about Alice's gift, knowing how it worked with only a moment of considering it. Alice couldn't see shape-shifters, therefore, Bella being around them would leave her invisible to Alice. Which would be a perfectly good reason for Alice to not panic that Bella had died. Simple, really.
It didn't leave Bella any less furious. She didn't understand why Jacob didn't tell her. There was no rationalizing with her. She was going to be angry, and that was the end of it. She would hear no reason. So she went out for a run on the beach to calm down, I waited here to avoid having that fierce gaze turn on me if I said the wrong thing.
It was part of her temper, which had started to rear it's head since her change. It was frightening to watch her delicate features contort into rage. Thankfully, it had yet to be directed at me since her change. Her features as a human were simply too charming to be intimidating when she was angry, even when she was absolutely furious, but since her change... Suffice it to say that if her anger was ever directed solely at me, I would be quite shaken up. It was as if she could strike fear into me with just a glance, at her whim. It was the same way with a lot of things, now that I thought about it. She could make me want her so desperately I would beg on my knees if she wished it, she made me so comfortable I could almost fall asleep, she made me hungry just by looking at her. I frowned inwardly.
This love thing was controlling me.
I stopped walking mid-stride towards the living room. Did I really just think that? Is that what this was? Did I love Bella? I couldn't, it was too soon. Didn't this take longer? And then it occurred to me, I'd never felt so strongly about someone before. I had loved women, yes, but I'd never fallen so quickly before. Every other relationship I'd had with women was slow, gradual. Because we had time. This was completely different. Our entire amount of time spent together, including when she was human, only amounted to just over half a dozen weeks. This was ridiculous, unreasonable.
This was so unlike me.
I fell onto the couch with a heavy plop, running my hand through my messy hair. It was getting longer, shaggier. I dragged both of my palms down my face, rubbing the scruff of hair and sighing out loud.
I was acting irrationally. I couldn't possibly be in love with Bella so soon. No, I decided, I would not let myself act so childishly. I would approach this as an adult, I would let the feelings come on their own. I would make no presumptions about this.
I stood and pulled off my clothes as I walked towards the bedroom. I couldn't remember why I was heading into the living room anymore, but it occurred to me that I needed a shower. I turned on the hot water and climbed in.
Fu*king Jacob. How could he not tell me? This was fu*king unbelievable. He could dislike Edward all he wanted, pointing out that he'd never been "good enough" for me every single time I had spoken to him. Which wasn't often. I could count on one hand the amount of times I'd been in Jacob's presence, and all of them had been a surprise to me. Not a one of them went without him bringing up Edward. Not a one of them had not ended with me crying myself to sleep that night because he'd spoken that fu*king word.
The one word Charlie never said around me. The one word no one said to me. No one except Jacob. And he'd been telling me that Edward was keeping things from me, that Edward wasn't good enough. Who the fu*k was he to talk? Clearly, he'd been keeping things from me just the same.
Fu*k the both of them.
I felt to my knees in the sand, the dry sobs wracking my body as I pounded the sand with my tight fists. I had always been grateful for James's stretch of secluded land, hidden from view and human-free, but never as grateful as I was now. I could yell and scream and glitter and punch the sand as much as I wanted.
And I took full advantage.
I was choking on the breath that tried to enter my lungs, wailing as I curled my body downwards, my face just above the sand as my arms held my chest together. I felt that hole again, the one that had been blissfully missing from my life for the past few weeks. I practically felt that part of my chest being torn out slowly, tearing skin and muscle and snapping bone. I was fraying at the edges, I could feel it. Had everyone been keeping things from me?
Had Alice seen everything coming? Was that why she'd been so sad whenever she looked at me? Could she have honestly left me alone in Forks, completely unprotected? She had to see Victoria coming for me. Did she see James protecting me? Is that why no one returned to protect me?
Or did they just not care anymore?
With every heave of my torso, every useless breath I took, I felt like I was pouring out acid from my throat. This was not fu*king comfortable. I couldn't live my life like this. I couldn't end up on my knees sobbing over him randomly for the rest of my existence. I wouldn't do that.
I was better than this. He didn't deserve this kind of blind, stupid dedication from me. He didn't deserve what I gave him, ever. He'd tossed me aside like a used rag doll once he'd gotten bored, once his time in Forks was up. I was nothing more than a toy to occupy his time. I wondered, briefly, how many girls he'd done this very same thing to throughout the years. How many girls, just like me, were left pining him, crying out for him for the rest of their lives? Perhaps he had known exactly how charming he had been, perhaps it had all been a show. He never fu*king cared about me. I had to understand that, I had to wrap my mind around it.
I had to move on.
I shut my eyes, curling my body tighter into itself, the sobs turning more into a violent retching sound. This was sickening. I was being pathetic, I was being unbearably stupid. There was no forgiving this kind of behavior.
I had to stop.
I had to steel myself against this stupid hole in my chest, against the stupid memories of his face. Against everything that could put me in that position again over him. He was no longer a part of my life.
I no longer wanted him to be part of my life.
I needed to change. I would change. This was the end of my pathetic pining. I had someone wonderful waiting for me at home. There would be no more of this weak, agonized misery. I wouldn't tolerate it any longer. I felt my muscles tighten slowly as I gained control of myself. I started breathing easier. I straightened up, kneeling in the sand with my arms still wrapped around my chest.
I dropped my arms.
I would no longer acknowledge the hole in my chest. I would no longer let myself get this way over him. He was vile. He was controlling and mocking and deliberately cruel. All of these things were clear with his actions as evidence.
And I was done.