As she watched everyone pass her by on the platform all she could do was think of how much they all looked like ants.....worker ants all striving to protect their colony fro the dangers of the world. Danger, they had no idea the meaning of the word. No idea that they were the biggest threats to their colonies, to the fat queen they left at home. The queen who would watch day time soaps and pop out more ants who worshipped the ground she probably could no longer walk on. She imagined an ant so fat that all she could do was wriggle on her belly, which had been rounded permanently from too many offspring, wriggle in her own sweat to devour more offerings brought by her worker ant husband. Her worker ant who claimed to protect and serve his queen when all he really wanted to do was punish and enslave her. She mentally laughed, her thoughts only betrayed on her face with the slight crinkling of her nose. To the odd passer by she would looked as though she had smelt something putrid, nothing more, nothing less.
She envied all of these ants, envied how they could go home and just be. No matter how vile and disgusting or even sweet and innocent their personas they were allowed to just be. How she longed to just be. To be allowed to feel her feelings and not what others wanted her to. To be able to live without the numbness the drugs gave her. To be able to find her way in this mist. To find another individual who didn't care if they understood her or not but instead applauded her creativity.
She tried to stop herself from thinking such dangerous thoughts with a quick mental shake but it was too late. She was already becoming undone. She felt something loosen within her and felt everything that had been held back spill forth into a violent tidal wave of negativity. Why? Why could she not be? What was so wrong bout her? She could feel the pain and angst building inside, simmering slowly and eating away at what remained of her sanity. Her thoughts turned to red as she remebered those who had pained her. Those who were supposed to protect her and had slashed her innocence until she was all that remained.
Her heart beat quickened and soon she could feel the thundering of her pulse in every fibre of her being. Her ears felt as though they would explode from the force of it. It was so loud, so loud that she was sure the ants must hear it. She tried to take a few calming breaths but all she could think about was the rotten core of her humanity.Every breath served to reinforce the smell of rot. The stench climbed higher and higher in her nostrils till she felt she could take no more. Her stomach threatened to heave out all her dark secrets, to free her from herself but she knew there was no easy way out.
She wanted to run, to leave it all behind but her body was not her own. Instead she felt herself moving forward. Closer to the darkness which lay at the edge of the platform. She weaved in and out of passengers with grace that she did not know she possessed. She felt the darkness pulling her and her legs complied. She felt tears sting her eyes, threaten to even pour over but she know that they would not spill. She had lost the ability to show her feelings. That part of her had rotted away long ago.
In the distance she could hear the squealing of the train and all she kept thinking was of how she could stop herself from being enclosed in the darkness. She was scared of the unknown which lied beyond the darkness and just as she felt her legs tense to jump she was enveloped by a different kind of darkness. Her last thought was of the ants...the worker ants and their fat queens and about their dystopian lives which they believed to be their own personal utopia.