My First Memory

I suppose the first memory I have of myself is as good a place as any to start. It is a little difficult to sort out the events of my early life since so much happened in such little time. I can't remember if I was born to Heaven or if I became an angel after dying in a previous life as a human. I can't really remember my father's face, or if I even saw it at all; few angels have ever seen the Father, I'm sure I am no exception.

Anyway, my earliest memory, I think, is when I first found out who and what I was. It was in a dark place, a place I have come to call the Shroud of Mystery through the years. An entity known as the Elder resides here. The Elder is not actually an angel but rather the embodiment of knowledge. The Father created him after he saw that humans could not be trusted with the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. When Adam and Eve admitted to eating from the tree, the Father cast them into Oblivion and destroyed Eden. As the garden burned, the Elder rose up from the ashes of the sacred Tree of Knowledge to reside in heaven, in the Shroud of Mystery. It was here that I learned that I was an Angel. The Elder stood before me as a silhouette against the dark mist that filled the chamber. He told me that I was an angel like all the other tenants of Heaven, but unlike them I was a very special angel with a very special task. My father believed that even though Adam and Eve could not be trusted with the full knowledge the fruit of the tree could provide, he still felt that there were some people; special, faithful people, who were worthy of the knowledge that the tree possessed. It was my job to watch over those people, to protect them and teach them that knowledge. It was my task to learn all there was to know from the Elder and to pass it on to those who were seen as worthy to know what the Father knows.

So far I remember living out that mission quite successfully, but with great misfortune and grief. For some reason, each person I have ever taught ended up suffering gravely from an ill-timed death. The Elder would consistently try to comfort me by telling me that I did nothing wrong, and that each death I had to witness occurred because it was meant to be so. It was even harder for me because I could never see them once they arrived in Heaven. I don't know why I was forbidden to see the people I once taught and protected; all the Elder had to say about it was, "it just has to be this way." I know I should have always been happy when they died, after all, they were going to Heaven; what place could be better. The elder said that I was born with a special defect. This defect was the feeling of attachment. Even though other angels possessed the unconditional ability to love, they did not feel grief when a human died because they were never really dead, just moving to a new life. Myself on the other hand, I felt a great attachment to those who I loved and protected. The Elder said it was a necessary burden and that I could not fulfill my purpose without it but every time I watch someone die, I begged to be relieved of this emotion. I still cry every now and then, when I think about the people who died that I can never see, and I wish that just one day I could tell myself that it was going to be okay and that I would one day live without this grief that I have felt for too long. Please Father, allow me to be rid of this constant sadness that surrounds me. Please relieve me of the fear that I feel every day for myself and those around me. I know I can fix this, just allow me a chance.


The End

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