Chemistry wasn’t all that interesting to me in the first place, and coupled with drowning in memories, and trying to hide it all under a smile, it all just made the anxiety come crashing down harder and harder every second. I had been asked to join Axel’s group, which I thought was a little peculiar. I had seen him staring at me since gym, but I didn’t pay all that much attention due to the fact I was wrestling with bigger demons than him.
Our project was to go through and describe chemical and mechanical changes. I tried my best to keep an input so I didn’t seem like I was being worthless baggage to the group, but I kept going back to his face and I kept trying to fight off the tears that came ever closer. Axel seemed to notice, cocking his head as if to ask what was wrong and I just smiled softly and shook my head. The only other one out of the group who seemed was Cassidy. She looked over at me curiously and raised an eyebrow, I couldn’t say we were particularly friends but she seemed seemed nice enough, so I simply gave her the same fake smile while I battled to keep my anxiety under control.
That’s about the time the voice started whispering to me, and then any bit of control slowly began to blow away with the wind. The voice wasn’t me, but it was, but it wasn’t. It whispered in my mind occasionally, telling me the truth, no matter how painful and telling me how worthless I was. This time around, it started in on an already touchy subject.
“You really can’t let Trevor go,” It mused softly in the back of my mind as I tried to ignore it, “Can you?” I didn’t respond, I knew where this was going.
“He really was the best you ever had,” It went on, “Too bad you’ll never be able to feel him again. Now you’re all alone in this world, oh well. He would’ve ended up leaving you anyway.” It felt as if the wind had been knocked out of my stomach at that point, I moved quickly with my bag, saying I was going to the bathroom as the teacher merely nodded, I rushed around the corner to the boy’s bathroom and locked myself in a stall and began to softly sob, pulling out my wallet and retrieving a small photograph.
This had always been my favorite of him, of us. We were in my bed together, pressed together with my head on his shoulder fast asleep, and his arm wrapped around my stomach. He had thought it was too sweet of a moment to pass up so he got out his camera and took a picture, and now, this was almost all I had left of him. I felt a sliver of my heart break away, Trevor’s voice coming back to haunt me again.
You’re the sweetest thing when you’re tired, you look just like a little kid. Your hair falls in front of your eyes and I always end up with my feeling numb behind you, but honestly, I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world.
His image was burned into my mind still, soft chestnut colored hair that fell softly into his face occasionally, and deep, leaf green eyes that always looked tender and warm, and a smile that could make an ice berg melt.
I curled up into a ball on the floor, bringing my head to rest on my knees and beginning to rock softly on my heels. I stayed like this for about 30 minutes, until finally I heard a door open and Axel walked in.
“Nathan, I know you’re in here,” He spoke softly, with sympathy I’d never heard in his voice before, “Just come out and tell me what’s wrong…” I stopped for a minute, wiping away the tears and grabbing my bag off of the floor, I stepped out of the stall and he seemed a bit shocked to see how puffy my eyes were. I sent him a smile and moved over to the sink, splashing water on my face to wipe away the stains on my cheeks from the rivers I’d cried.
I felt his hand on my shoulder and he came next to me, trying to look me in the eyes but I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t trust Axel, his sympathy was sweet, but I knew he wanted something in return.