Today was a bad day for me. I don't like today. It’s a Sunday. It’s cold. There are no clouds in the sky, but today, a long time ago, was a bad day. It was the day my parents died, and I was sent away. I didn't want to eat anything, I didn't want to sleep or move. I just wanted the world to stop, but the sun keeps flying across the ash grey sky, and the clouds keep moveing against the breeze, reminding me that time is more ruthless than any other being...it just keeps moving and dragging you with it. It was more painful, because Eric didn't come in the morning today. Eric was nice. He would come and change my bandages every day, for the burns I got. His hands were soft and calm. We would talk about nice things too. He helped me find pretty things. He made living seem easy somehow. But he was being mean again...by not coming.
It was confusing. I didn't like it when he used to come, for making me feel like I had to move and do things. Now...because life had become more...alive, it was becoming painful again. When Eric was there, I wasn't alone. He would listen and talk to me, and make me forget all the bad things. But he wasn't here. I was alone. I didn’t like the bad memories. I was remembering them…mom and dad…and my brother...
I remember, they didn't want to show me their faces because it was mangled and horrible. They buried them in a cold looking coffin, in the cold earth, on a cold day. I never saw their face, not once. No one was allowed to remove the white sheet over their head.
After the funeral, I remember people squabbling over who should take care of me. None of them wanted me. I was a nuisance to them. I’m always a nuisance. In the end, they sent me away. They said I was strange. They locked me up...they just kept me in a dark, cold place. Doctors in coats putting injections in me, watching me, saying my brain was unwell...saying I was not proper, telling me I was sick and trying to make me better...it felt horrible.
I knew I wasn't normal. They said I was born with a strange abnormality in my head. I remember, my mom would cry, and tell me she was sorry. But I never understood why she was sad...why was she sorry? They said, "Only a mother can love a son like that." They were right. No one else could love me.
In school, they threw rocks at me, said I would infect them if I came near them, that I was bad for them. Their mother's wouldn't let me play with them. I could remember it. It was all there. Every time I closed my eyes, it was their voices, I looked outside, it was their faces, sniggering, mocking, or just staring in disgust...it was them. They spoke about me as if I wasn't there, like I wouldn't understand, or didn't exist. They wanted me to die. So maybe I should have died. But...I didn't. Even though I tried, I didn’t.
Then I met Eric...damn Eric...I wish I never met him. I wish I couldn't remember. I wish there was nothing here. No one, nothing, emptiness... I hated the dark, I hated the cold, and more than anything, I hated Eric. And I hated him because he wasn't here...
It was six in the evening when Eric walked in. I was angry. He had forgotten about me. He usually came in the morning, then once again in the afternoon, and finally at night…but this time, he came at an odd time only once. I was upset. He came in wearing a black suite, black shoes, and with his black hair oiled back. I was perplexed at his strange combination. He didn't look happy, but I didn’t care. He had forgotten me. I threw my slipper at him. He dodged.
"Hi, how have you been too?" He muttered sarcastically, as he marched into my kitchen. He didn't have any reason to be angry at me, and yet he seemed so…he was all…frowning. He heat up some rice, and cooked a quick curry. "Just eat it." He said, as he slouched on the floor.
"No." I answered. I didn't like this Eric. Why was he being so horrible!?
"For one day, could you not cause me trouble, and let me go so we can both resume our lives?" He had just come and he already wanted to leave. I liked spending time with him, but...was I a bother to him too? He disliked me too? It was only natural. No one can like me..."only a mother can love a son like that." And my mother was dead...which meant...no one could love me. He was only pretending to like me…He was a liar…
"Please, can we just finish this off?" He muttered, as he turned his back...
I threw the plate at him. It hit his head, fell on the floor and shattered.
"FUCK!" He yelled. "What is wrong with you?! You could have killed me, you know?! Do you ever think before you through things at me for God's sake?!" I was shaking. People used to yell at me a lot. I hated people yelling at me. “Look at this! Just look! GOD!” I hated shouting… It hurt my ears...they always yelled, and called me a freak...I hated them...I hated it more than anything. I hated I more because …it was Eric…kind Eric…with the soft coloured eyes… I didn't want to hear him anymore. I didn’t him to yell. I could hear all of them in my head yelling at me in my head, when he yelled. So I got up and opened the front door. "Leave me alone...Go...leave." I asked
"My pleasure..." He muttered as he walked out.
I felt so alone...so afraid. He had gone. He actually left. And he said he wanted to leave. I felt so sad. So alone...just...lost. That proved it…he hated me. For the first time I remembered all over again, that not only did no one want me...but...no one ever did.
I saw the shattered plate on the floor. All the sharp, pointy shards scattered on the wooden floor boards. I wasn’t thinking straight…I don't know why I did it, I regretted it when I did, I regretted it so much. I picked one up of the sharpest pieces, and made a large gash on the side of my arm. I looked at it, and was frightened. It was bleeding a lot. I got scared, and started screaming. There was a lot of blood. Red everywhere, like a crimson ocean.
I tried to make it stop with my shirt, I shut my eyes hoping I could wish all the red away, but my shirt felt wet and sticky, and it was paining me...it hurt...it hurt so much. I was so afraid, I wouldn't stop screaming. I didn't know what to do when I looked at it. I ran into my room. I wanted it to go away.
Why couldn't I make it stop, why wouldn't it stop? I began panicking. I didn't know what to do. I was out of breath, so tired, so anxious, so utterly petrified. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, I couldn't hear. It was cold, everything was going cold. I could hear their voices in my head, telling me I was useless, worthless, thier eyes full of disgust, the movement of their mouths when they yelled at me, everything...everything all there, right in front of me.
My forehead was hot with sweat, but my body was shivering. My lungs wouldn’t work. I tried to call for help..."Please...help me...someone...Eric!"
"like anyone would want to help you..." The voices ... why... why... WHY?! "Useless...What a shame...I pity that mother with a son like that... DONT GO NEAR THAT BOY!....What a horrible child!" Why wouldn't they stop, I wanted them to stop...please...make it stop
The world seemed to turn slow, like I was under water...I couldn't speek, nothing as coming out of my mouth...everything was going black...I couldn't feel myself anymore. I couldn't see anything. I heard the door open, I heard footsteps, and then nothing...I was just floating far away...far far away in nothingness...