Sometimes, I look out the windows, and watch the people walking down the street. Some have large rustling plastic bags in their hands, other plush fancy purses, old boxes, or simply their own clenched fist. They wear all kinds of strange cloths, ride all kinds of strange vehicles…speak all kinds of strange lies. And I watch them…I continue to watch them, just as I watch my own life slip through my hands like sand from a broken hour glass.
I tried to die once. It wasn’t pleasant for my caretaker. She had to throw out the bathroom mat. No matter how much she tried to get the red stains off it…they stayed there, defiling it beyond recognition. She was upset...
It was a new rug.
I should have had more consideration for her feelings…should have at least done it in the bath tub. I apologized. I promised her…I wouldn’t taint anything else she owned. So I left. And she was happy I did. She let me stay in an old tacky apartment. Her brother is the land lord…he charges no money. She is happy that way.
I can’t try and die again. It would cause her more anxiety. Hospital bills come too high, a funeral would cost even more… But I can’t resume living…I refuse to. They told me I wasn't suposed to live, so I don’t. I simply sit, and watch as life drowns it’s self out, as New Year passes…as people celebrate with great gusto, lighting up the sky with a billion fireworks … I watch through blind eyes, as time passes by…alone, in my solitude.
Watching people outside, had made me attuned to forgetting to see what was right next to me. I never did understand how...he mangaged to get so close to my heart.